M.AhsuRin Bin AbduL Rahman aka Ashurin*AshwiNn*Winn 22 yEaRs oLd NS Man(Army) :PLaYs DirtBike:Soccer:GuitAr: Seth EnsLow REsides at Tampines, SingaPOre Sweet:Mature:Responsible: Calm&CooL:Funny:Athletic: Talented:Tan :: Ashwinn :: :: BeDok Army :: :: National SerVice :: :: 24 / 11/ 1981 / Sagitarious :: Tampines, Singapore :: :: MSN :: @ashwinn_117@hotmail.com :: + Add me on Friendster! :: +Ashurin+ Tired:Thirsty:Sleepy: Hot:Happy:Hungry: Addicted to Cyrene: +Cyrene+ Stressed:Loved:Happy:Proud: Tired:Relieved:Anxious:Sleepy: Lonely: Craving for Winn: ..:: MuA TaGboArd ::..
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::Cyrene:: wad was that i felt? Friday, August 6, 2004 @ 06:09 p.m. juS stop "pouring out" ... we were almost walking over 2 d other side... we were walking on a thin red thread actually.. we almost fell-in d opposite directions.. Eagle-eye cherry helped me... it kinda confused me at 1st... i was searchin in my heart wad i was REALLY feeling, but cldnt get any kind of feelings at first.. i was unsure- i had no feelings.. (weird but true).. was dat bad i was asking myself... i got irritated and impatient 3 times... i left d private cht.. but i dint "leave".. i was still there... y? i duno... it's true.. i left,cut him off.. gt angry but i didnt turn off d com or left totally-stil emailed him, "talked" 2him.. i kept coming back.. then on d 3rd... after remembering & listening to "SAVE TONIGHT" i decided we need tym off..apart..i wasnt tinkin of breaking up..i jus wanted 4 us 2 realise hw it wld b without each other.. but Winn tot of it as another way 2 break off..forever.. i was actually jus thinkin a couple of days but i duno.. he din let me finish-again... i din get 2 say evrythg i thought-decided... ...d next thg i knew, he was crying and saying gd bye, sounding as if we'r nvr gona see each other again.. & i duno hw but at dat same tym i close my eyes & my vision of me reading his 1st few emails to me, i chattin wit him 4 d 2nd tym..imagining him in his army uniform toking 2me on d fon & me stil in my 1st sem in sch..going 2 eng cls wit my 1st eng t'cher in my new sch.. den it hit me.. i realised that we go way back...... 10mths... it hurt.. i started 2 sob.. den cry. it hurts to hear him talk that way too.. saying gd bye 2 me.. telling me 2 takecare.. kissing me lyk he's nvr going 2 anymore.. he wanted me 2 say at least a "gd bye" ... & wanted me 2 giv him a kiss.. *shakes mua head* ..it was weird..n i din wana do any of it.......... dats how i felt. earlier i wanted us 2 have some tym off & i dun understand y i was being dat way den-crying n all when he cried and said all dat. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: Volleyball games Tuesday, July 20, 2004 @ 12:00 a.m. ok let see..iv been playin volleyball for abt wad-ermm 4-5weeks now? haha.. itS fun reli, always looking forward 2 volleyball days. So far made frens wit AK, dis black dude whu is 21-he's reli funny cos he cant reli play so d way he hits d ball & all is reli funny, & damn.. he cant serve d ball! lol.. funny reli.. den der's JEFF, dis man whu is much older-married-working bt i guess he's taking clsses in mua college 2 upgrade himself.he cant play too but at least he cld hit fairly wel for an old guy. den der's dis guy name MATTHEW lol.. he's reli blur, very young mayb abt 13-15yrs old only.. stil in high sch-but he comes over 2 jus play along.. (but i nvr ever tok 2 him onces b4, jus heard dem calln out 2him whenever he's "dreamin" during d game).. den der's brenda, dis black old women.. whu is loud & cld stil play fairly alryte.. den der's DAN, he's asian whu probably frew up in d US cos he doesnt sound foreign. he's one of d few guys iv known here dat is reli a gentleman-whether u hit d ball ryte,if ur a young guy or an old lady whu cant play, he's stil supportive & smiles meaning he un mind u being in his team. he plays reli well but he's kinda short lol. i tink he's taller only 1 or 2 inches den me.but he seems a reli nice guy-i duno hw old he is though..d rest i noe dem by face but duno their names..wel 2day i got 2 noe another guy.. he's name is reli weird GASPER.. he's mexican. & he's only 16! stil in high sch-but he's fun 2 hav arnd..since d 1st day. and he play quite well too.. always jumping arnd & v energetic.. cool bunch of kids (13-16yrs olds).. very fun 2 hav arnd wit to play. hmm.. always had fun wit volleyball games.. it eases my mind... =) .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. :TEN MONTHS: Monday, June 28, 2004 @ 08:43 p.m. Its been a long time since i came in here. i juz finish my NS and jus fig out wat to do. I intend to go sch bt i hav to wait till dec for the nxt intake.Anyway wad am i gona do? Cyrene's still studying. Its been 10 mth since we know each other. Well i can tell u dats its bn de most happiest 10 mth i had wif someone. Its been great dis few weeks after my NS nt only i can rest bt i can tok to my gf without any interuptions no nid to worry abt de work load jz rest at hm and tok to cyrene dats all Everyday my plan without fail-it will hav her in it bt sometimes im nt at hm or sumtin happened. Goin out often has been a past to me cos im more involve nw, slowly changing. I nvr care so much for my X's but wif her i do care very much.i dont noe y when i say she's gd and hav a kind heart she doesnt like it. she thinks im sweet toking her. Dats funny u noe i cant remember when i say dat. i mean who cud blame her she had her history wif guys. I hav to stand by her always rite if she suddenly hav her bad moods or .......i hav always treated dis relationship seriously i willingly deleted some girls nos in my Hp cos i knew it will hurt her-which Gf wont rite. i tell her evrytin i do even if thers girls arnd i still tell her bt its up to her to blieve me. I was just being concern. i care fo her i cherish her i like her i love her.......if dis go far it will b a fairy tale if it doesnt its for de best........ .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: Santa CRuz beaChhh Sunday, June 20, 2004 @ 08:43 a.m. YEsterday... went to Santa CruZ beach.. d drive was freaking almoSt 2 hrs & lucky 4me i wasnt d driver lol.. juS d navigator. went Der & had a sun tan... ate some food. We got 2 noe MAx, dis filipino guy who was der wit his family... we playEd frisby 4 abt wad? 5 mins? LOL... den we went 2 plAy volleyball wit some .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: Sunday, June 6, 2004 @ 06:36 p.m. 'mens' day..it kinda hurt ah..aftr church went to shop for Claudeen's skirt (4her graduation) on this wed. i bought d cropped pants iv been wanting to buy alredi haha.. well at least i saved abt $15USD ryte?.. wana go get another one more.. jeans material. i have to clean d houz man... mua cousin frm North Carolina iz comin.. shezz iTS gettin hot here man (summer).. gettin lazy.. m gettin chubbier..gotta start working out alredi.. hmm...kk.. start tmr!! MON.. morning jog..how many rounds? haha.. we'l see.. so long as m all sweaty den its fine (but..) will i get too dark?? ahh wadever.... tmr gona have 2 drive to SF, send mua granny to d Hospital-4 check-up... Yawnzz.. borIngg.. nobody comEs in here nemore... i gueSS dar 'nobody' wants to be here..dats y .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: exams..... Monday, May 24, 2004 @ 10:51 p.m. m suppose 2 be doing my eng take home test for wed but it wun hurt to come in here for awhile 2 juSt let a few thgs out ryte?? lol lEts see... wed i had a physical fitness "test": i did fairly well for everythg and i was in a "happy" mood.. i duno why.. i gueSs d way i ran dat way kinda make me feel gd cos i noe i did gd enuff. although i knew i shldnt have slowed down d last 2 round.. my xcuse wad dat d air i was breathing in hard was reli cold.. & its hurting my windpipe reli bad.. had 2 slow down my breathin hence.. slowin my "running" pace. Went to Cara's bday party.. wel i drove thru d freeway 2 get linda .. we ate a little & drank "a little" haha.. i duno whu d heck miXed d drink but dat margarita was STRONG man.. yaya.. i noe i was to drive homw so i drank a little more than half of dat big cup.. i wasnt "high" and going crazy.. i promise! lucky i didnt go home alone cos.. i dun even noe where i was! haha.. drOve Linda & kat back home..when i reach hm i was feeling reli tipsy & i gt a big headache..went to slp as soon as i cld.. din slp wel.. had 2 wake up early.. chat wit Winn & go 2 church d next day. Sunday.. went to church "early" at 11am! haha.. its early for me.. i din slp well & d drink was stil having its effect on me.. Shezz.. i dun even noe wad dat drink reli was?? reli strong-abit too strong 4 mua taste buds. so i was feeling reli tipsy and had headache d whole freakin day. HAd 2 go to San Francisco 2 mua grandma's bday party & d journey was bad... with me feeling d way i did pluS d long journey- i felt lyk i was gona puke anytym. i kept complaining too haha.. while i was walking arnd wit mua sis & cousin down town. we went to d library cos i had 2 do mua eng work bt al d com were taken so we jus end up walking arnd. went in all d shops dat seem interesting.. final destination was nike town. it was big..haha.. haiz.. i need $$ man. I end up buying dis new water bottle they had on display.. hmm.. i duno y i reli bought it, i was mostly thinkin of gettin it 4 Winn-nt reli 4 myself.. but at d same time i was 2nd guessing myself.. shld i buy it? for him? will he like it or not? wad if i decide nt 2 give him...? den i hav 2 use it.. do i even need it?? haha.. man.. i dun play dat much sports now-nt unless i gt 2 dat dumb ass volleyball team. wel anyway iv decided to give it 2 him..hope he likes it..& i hope d damn thg is nt broken. haha.. Monday.... oh man... i slp al d way.. i din do nothg today. juSt went to math cls. & yeh m suppose 2 be doing ym eng thgy ryte now-remember? haha.. oh wel i had better go.. do sumthg.. yawnz.. oh man.. dun make me feel sleepy now! .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: almoSt there.. Friday, May 21, 2004 @ 05:06 p.m. wel.. itS been a long tym since i last came in here.. bla bla bla.. exams are next week!!! wed: eng+math, thurs:chem. Oh yesh!! haha.. i pAssed dat freakin chem test dat i didnt study 4. phewww! wad a relief! cant fail dat cls man.. itS gona bring my GPA down. lEts c.. now ima do essay?? & another essay 4 sunday... haiz. on til wed study 4 exams.. wow.. all lAst min man.. wel hope i make it. i need a BREAK.. wana go OUT.. have FUN.. & get a full body TAN.. at d BEACH of course.. i wana slp 1st... yawnZzzz .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: heavy heart Saturday, May 8, 2004 @ 01:45 a.m. its true.. alot of thgs dat m angry/upset/sad/disappointed/afraid/unhappy/hurt about and its all stil in me. They make me strong on d outside but makes me really fragile inside-its lyk as if i cld blow up and just break down anytym i tink abt it. I just wished I cld get rid of it all.. and that I'l able to fill myself with new and better emotions/thoughts.... i wiSh-hope..soon. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: Stressing Monday, May 03, 2004 @ 12.47 p.m. m in sch now.. using d com-as usual. JUs finish doing some research,damn teacher making us do work man. anyway..let me jus get myself straight ::Stuff i HAve to remember:: MATH hmwk (due 2nyte!!) | 3para mini essay poSt 2nyte too MIDNYTE! | ENG essay 4,hav 2 do researches | MATH project due in 2wks babe...&... 7th months wit Winn _("v")_ heehee in 2days tym (according 2 my day) hmm.... wierd.. m craving for noodles babeh.. instant noodles dat is. haiz.. shld i go home & do my math?? or..do it ryte here in d math lab? I hav 2 come back straight after eating lunch at hm cos i haven done ALL of d unit hmwks 4 math.. haha sucker! ahh well iL do it ryte now. ...d french vanilla is callin me... addicted man.. OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO..... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: screwed up Wednesday, April 28, 2004 @ 12:30 p.m. haiyah.... juSt got back mua chem test II & i screwed dat test up again.. got a D.. & mind u a D is not a passing grade. but i got a "little" better grade den d 1st test./. but both test i suck either ways-stil a D. My lab partner Leslie and Fernando got Ds as well haha.. we'r a bunch of losers. i noe i din put too much tym in it & its party my fault but d teacher reli sucked & 2day in cls many ppl were complaining! but i dun tink he giv a shet abt us. Oh wel i jus hope i get a smelly C somehw by d end of d semester.. stil hav 2 more test to go.. Math din go too well too..jUS got 86 on dat test.. i need an A for math & an A for eng so dat hopefully its gona pull my overall GPA cos i totally suck in chem dis sem. oh gosh... need help. m hungry now...hmmm...wad shld i do now? yeh i noe i dun tok abt him..but i jus dun wana tok abt him...juSt sad & kinda disappointed. abt him too i duno wad he wants 4us to happen.. but m learning & doing wad he does.. if he "likes" thgs dis way.. den okAy... Il see wad i can do-but itS not gona get better if thgs are jus gona stay "still" like dis.. it either goes UP & thgs improve or goes DOWN reli bad... m not being stoopid doing wad i do..ryte? ah crap m stressin abt sumthg dat I'm ONLY stressin abt. IF he doesnt den i wun.. if he acts dis way,shld i do d same?? i duno man.... screwed abt dis too ha ha... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: more then anything Wednesday, April 28, 2004 @ 12:15 p.m. More than anything… You said you care about me, And I know its true, because when I look at you, The love shines through. I only need to hear your voice to know That your feelings run deep, And I’m sure our love is a treasure Your heart will always keep. (or is it just me??) I can’t see clearly What you feel inside. But I’ll always be here for you With arms open wide. Even though you’re far away, You’re all that I can see. And more than anything, I wish That you were here with me. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: dwelling... Tuesday, April 27, 2004 @ 02:31 p.m. in sch now.. i noe i hav no cls 2day but i came anyways..handed in mua job application & gueSs wud.. d only job open 4 me ryte now is police(ing)! haha... d type which Tony is working as in campus. I guess dats kinda fun & relaxing cos i juS go arnd in mua *hoT* uniform & walky-talky and dat thg dat looks lyk an egg plant..wad is it called?? dat HArd-long thg?? haha not DAT hard-long thg okay.. dat thg.. oh yes itS called d baton ryte? anyways i do nothing but walk arnd and and also arnd d parkin lot to give tickets to those notty ppl who dun park parking fees lol! wel i hope i get d job.. itS easy & simple. M suppose to do research noW cos my com is down but man.. m jus tired..iv been reli bz & sick these pass few days, m also stressing my ownself haha.. i reli need a break mayb to d beach this coming holiday.. i hope. i need 2 get a tan too.. get rid of all those dry skin since last yr fall semester.. peel and get "new" skin.. haha.. aight.. m meeting Kat ryte now.gona fetch mua sis frm sch too. About Winn.. i nvr tok abt him no more huh?.... ders actually so much to say but i jus dont tink its a gd idea 2 say anythg.. i duno. iL jus leave dat 2 him. wadever his plans-wad his doing & how it affects us den.. il jus tek it as dats wad he wants. i duno... hmmmmm...i dun even noe hw he feels 4me nemore??? ahh crap tok. tata .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: doing work..as usual Sunday, April 25, 2004 @ 07:02 p.m. at Kat's house now.. doing mini essay.. hav 2 go find the pric4e & little infos abt d bikes dAt m usuing as my "shopping" topic.. esp i hav no frens whu can actually help me out on dis 1.. & mua com is sooo "in shape". wel everybody's been TOO bz huh? so bz 2 even spare 5-10mins here 2 add an entry. mua com is stil dead so.. itS kinda diff to add entries. Hmm... i better get back 2 work if not iL b home late.......... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: wahh no entry Monday, April 12, 2004 @ 09:27 p.m. itS been quite sumtym since i lAst came here... Winn also nvr write any entry.. MY com spoil ah.. Anyway jUS took a bath, went to d park juS now wit mua cousins.. din run too much cos haha my knee caps were shaky..ima go do my essay now.. i noe itS late but wad 2 do.. my com spoil wad.. & anyway i was "bZ" watching 5th element lol... Hopefully Winn's interview goes wel.. even thought "im scared," i Stil hopE he gets in2 sch. it'l b gd for his future.. But iF it doesnt happen denu noe.. God has sumthg else plAnned 4 him.. we nvr noe. k la i better go do my shet.. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: SPrinG BreAk bebeh! Thursday, April 8, 2004 @ 09:19 a.m. ITs thUrsday-start of mua sPring break! no sch 2day.. yesterday after eng cls i din go 2 my chem cls. i came a little late 4 eng cls about 15mins late.. woke up late man.. SOOOo late abt almost 9:25AM.. den had 2 rush & bathe. We had 2 do a written quiz/10lines but i end up writting a "novel," so long winded, 1 whole pg. After cls me, Kat and Cara sat outside d cls at 1 of d table & chat.. chat til d tym passed to 11:15AM (cls starts at 11:00AM).. i din feel lyk going (lyk always) cos d freaking teacher duno hw 2 teach make me more confuse. SO i said "Oh how? m i going 2 cls or not?" haha.. KAt suggested we go out anywhere.. by 11:30AM i said k let me go do my chem AT quiz, while Cara went to see d counselor abt her transfer. Bla bla bla... After i was done Ogedi came alredi (frm Chem cls) so i asked wad d teacher taught 2day..but i couldnt read his notes so ugly his hand writing.. & b4 i left he tried 2 ask me out again.. shezz lol.. He asked wad m i gona do during d spring break.. & haha i juSt said "ermm.... haha.." said thnks 4 d note & jus laff it off, din ans him. The Kat Crazy, asked me to ask HIM to go wit us to d amusement park on sat! siao.. dowan ah..... AFter dat we went to eat at STrawHUt (sumthg lyk pizza place dat has a salad buffet) eat eat eat.. so FAt alredi. den we went to d Sport shop... HAizzzz... tempted seh. no $$ haha.. -=WiSh (to buy) LiSt=- Nike presto WatCh (nice seh.. unique) - $60 Nike running shoes (itS been ages since i lAst bought a nice 1, anyway havent seen anythg dat i reli lyk yet) - $??? Beach Shorts (roXY) - $ duno.. depends which 1 Soda sunglasses (nice but so expensive & anyway Cara was so tempted dat she put on hold alredi) - $55..nah i js bought 1, if i gt spare $ den MAYB haha.. as if .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: where is he?? Tuesday, April 6, 2004 @ 11:07 a.m. duno where is he man..? he say my tym 9-10am nak talk or chat. he nvr even msg me?! mUSt be he go out forget al about me again. alah 4 get about him. tak kisah ah.. haiz yesterday my math test only got 74/100!? Even linda got higher grade den me? i tink she got 84 or was it 88? haizzz.. careless ah.. ok ah quite upset.. it was al minor mistakes but it freakin add up 2 so many marks deducted. i noe if i did it right i cld have aced it urrrrgghhhhh! upset wit myself. i need daT graDe seh.. haizz.. i better go stArt reading dat freaking novel.. tmr got a quiz (again!). hAte period days... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: hmm........... Sunday, April 4, 2004 @ 09:36 a.m. weL woke up early & yes my com is feeling a little better (at least can use the internet). juSt checked mails, chat wit a fren in MSN n nw m typing mua entry. Surprising he got d tym & rem 2 type sumthg in here. ANyway.......... yup my 6mth Anniversary wit Winn is coming dis 5th.. (is dat tmr? i dun even noe d date 2 day?!) These past couple of days is kinda blur.. m kinda loSt now. Its did hurt but... m not gona let these thgs get 2 me. iv been thru much harder & difficult thgs & m stil standing. wadever it is-wadever happens.. i noe GOD means well. everytym dat i pray, when shet happens i always believe dat HE made thgs dat way (bad) so dat i'd appreciate d good thgs dat'l b coming my way. If dis is gona go down too-den i believe he its for d best. BUt if it works... it's meant to. I cant tek such nonsense anymore.. i trully believe dat if d relationship was just going 2 base on whether i come back 2 meet Winn in d 1st place den.. its wrong & its unfair! y does it have to be ME? always? hmm.. i noe m saying dis al wrong too. I shldnt talk dis way but haiz... ya-i tink iL jus let nature take its course. If he feels dat way den he was MEANT to tink & feel dat way. i dun even feel encouraged anymore. i'l jus go where d wind takes me... *sad but true* .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. : winn : Cyrene's com broke down Wednesday, March 31, 2004 @ 10:37 p.m. Yup her com broke down.Nw she is slpn.i juz sms her told her im sorie abt juz nw.i ask her to call me at the wrong time.well i mean its an emergency we had to attend this CHEMICAL DEFENCE briefing so i had to cover for my other fren.my strhub sms a bit problem she cant received it.Damn it! luckily gt singtel bt cant use often thought.its whoppin $300 already so muz b a bit trifthy. im gona camp soon i was juz dropin in cos long time nvr write anythin if nt i will b kick out of here.hehe Another thing is nxt 4 days i will be anticipatin anxiously 4 our 6 mth annivesary. Can u see it!!! A wonderful 6 mths in another way to say it 1/2 a year has gone by.......im hopin 4 the best.... for our best.... CYRENE & AHSURIN.Im suprise it started frm juz a CLICK of the mouse....Well i tell u another time im late got to go...bye2. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: SOOooo buSy ah? as if... Thursday, March 25, 2004 @ 08:29 p.m. wahh isolation.. so long nobody came in herre. Hmm.. ima go do my writtwn quiz & essay (tsk tsk.. so much thgs havent done!) tmr fri what shld i do 1st? mAth hmwk? or eng essay?? aLL d math hmwk due on wed..eng essay due mon..i hope i do a better one dis tyme arnd. DUno wads happening man, al mua work aint up 2 standard seh?! hmmm.. makes me mad! i better staRt now. Boom Boom! lEts go! .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. 12 things to remember 'bout love... Monday, March 22, 2004 @ 11:16 p.m. "We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives." 1) Don't turn your back on love when it's already infront of you. Don't drive it away from you, because if you do, someday, you'll think again, why you let love fly when it was there next to you. 2) In Love, think things over first if you're sure about how you feel. Don't fall too hard not knowing where you will stand, 'coz it will hurt real bad if things don't go the way you want them to be. 3) It's an irony to know that it takes hours for someone to have guts to say "hi" to the one he likes, days to admire, weeks to miss the person, months to love, but just a blink of an eye to say goodbye... 4) Go for the person who loves you. It is not wrong to love someone who belongs to someone else, but it is much better to love someone who could also love you in return. 5) Love isn't something we hold, it is something we set free, It's not something we just do, but it's something we don't imagine to be. Lastly, it's not something we choose, it chooses us... 6) The scariest thing about falling in love is getting hurt. The scariest thing about getting hurt is not being able to love again. The scariest thing about not loving again is being alone forever. 7) When you follow your heart, worry not where it will lead you, for your heart knows the way. And if you do get lost or reach a dead end, use your head to lead you back home. 8) When you truly care for someone, you don't look for faults, you don't look for answers, you don't look for mistakes. Instead, you fight for the mistakes, you accept the faults, and you overlook excuses. 9) It's better to lose your pride over the one you love, than lose your loved one over your useless pride. 10) Love is not "it's your fault", but "I'm sorry", not "where are you?", but "I'm here", not "how could you?", but "I understand", not "I wish you were here", but "I'm thankful you are". 11) The beginning of love is to let those we love be just themselves, and not twist with our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. 12) If a relationship is truly meant for you, your love will find a way to make it happen, and God will be there to make sure it will stay. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: hmmm...now i noe Sunday, March 21, 2004 @ 04:59 p.m. yesterday i finally got 2 tok on d phone wit Winn, its been a LONG tym since i last talked 2 him..thgs were ok when i duno hw suddenly d issue got reli hot & al i rememeber is that we'r both quiet & he asked me dun waste the calling card. i ask so wad u wana do-hang up or tok? he asked me d same thg & i answered it doesnt matter & ha ha.. he said "ah it doesnt matter to me also ah". then i got hot too..i said "FINE" & i was meaning to jus hang up -but- i stop myself. i noe i cant rely on him 2b d1 2calm down 1st & me adding 2d situation by gettin upset too will make it worst. anyway, i used 2 do dat...gettin upset or b4 i get angry i'd hang up-just lyk dat without caring or tinking abt hw d other person-all i'l b tinkin is dat i'm upset & dats it BANG hang up lol.. but i din wana do dat..but He was reli angry haha..d tone of his voice-he was lyk shouting & its so obvious he was hella angry. he wasnt talking to me, he was scolding me. Its kinda sound funny 2 me cos-he was reli angry & scolding me but at d same tym u noe when sum1 get reli angry dey cant tok properly? uhh he sound kinda lyk dat. Well i din wana say hey watch ur tone or say dun get angry or say angry 4wad? or anythg lyk dat-i mean i noe he is farking angry somehow & m nt gona start although i noe very well dat i can make it even worst-trust me. I wasnt too happy by d way he handle himself or d situation but i just ended d tok "faster" by saying i gotta go-anyway he was alredi angry & i..hmmm i din wana get angry too so yeh. After i hang up i swear i felt lyk i din wana tok 2him anymore-its just too much to tink abt. all i noe was dat at 1point of tym i was telling him how messed up my so call "life" was now-i din noe wad 2 do 1st or next, jus confuse & upset wit my shet & duno.. he was upset abt sumthg dat wasnt reli abt wad i was tinkin abt. i noe he's upset abt me saying/toking abt working in SG but heck-i was upset abt working anywhere man. difficult la..1thg's 4 sure-m studying sumthg dat i din choose & m very wel gona work as dat! m nt gona waste my tym ryte now doing wad i din choose 2do & leave it ltr. i dun care if he understands or not...i'm d1 whu's going thru it and he's tinking abt his life-future anyway...i noE, wads best 4 him..mayb nt b d best 4 me. I dun even noe y i msg him 2 ask if he was stil angry wit me. i noe i shldnt have cos i planned2 jus ignore him..i was upset too. i noe m upset..but nt yet angry. but tinking abt al of it SUMTYMS it makes me feel lyk he & i-shld cool it off 4awhile. i noe wad it dounds lyk hmmm.... but he just got so angry & i dowan him 2b angry wit me-hell i dowan get him upsetwit me & al i want is everythg 2b gd/fine and we'r nt spending enuf tym bla bla bla..its so hard....i CANT do dis alone. its all or nothing 4 me-he & i have to make a choice soon cos our priorities are all messed up. its nvr gona work if its not gona get any better SOON.... I want it all...if i cant have it all or he say he cant giv me enuf den.... no-i rather nt have it..nothing. br> .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: fuLL Wednesday, March 17, 2004 @ 10:24 p.m. wel wel..finally ate..i tink dis is d 1st day i ate "alot" of thgs since i duno when..usually these days/wks i dun hav appetite & m nt too sure y.. anyway it felt ok, nt too bloated (its bad to eat TOO much at nyte). had mAth test earlier on.. oh man i hoPe i ace it again.pls pls pls haha.. damn eng, so far iv gt a B & chemistry..haizz i tink a farking D..hav 2 put more tym in chem i tink.. & eng too. oh man i so packed next wk 4 eng essay.. dis sun i hav 2 post paragraphs too.. hmm... tsk juS wish i had sum sort of "fun" or sumthg ELSE 2 do/tink abt other den dis.. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: tired eyes.. Tuesday, March 16, 2004 @ 10:15 p.m. oh man.. JUst finish watching American Idol..looKS lyk d filipino gurlS ar doin gr8t!! LOL.. now den i noE flower on d right meAns single.. left means taken..hmm.. cool. Oh man.. nw back 2 work..i hAVen read dat LONG article m suppose 2 read, shet, shld hav printed it out in sch earlier on.. my eyes ar tired man.. tmr stil hav cls in d morning.. i duno if m able 2 wake up & chat wit Winn.. i hoPE. he didnt msg me at all 2day..... even al those msgs he said he sent me, frm hw many days alredi i nvr dapat pun?? haizz tmr gt mATh test sumore.. k la i better start reading mua eng if nt troublesome ltr duno anythg..adios- .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: JuS gt back Monday, March 15, 2004 @ 09:13 p.m. haiz.. tired man.. juS came back frm MATH cls.. wed iv gt a test & m nt sure if i even understand d topic 4d test?? im gona go 2 sch tmr 2 finish up (hopefully) d math hmwk qns... & i tink go & see wad my essay topic shld b at d computer lab. hmmm... i wana go eat den slp i tink.. mayb ltr gona chat wit Winn 1st den send my sis 2 sch.. den "nap" hehe.. den go 1 sch til b4 i fetch sis again at 3pm.. hmm d whether has been gd man.. SUNNY & hot! feels gd on d skin lol..ok la.. my tummy growling... gona go Eat yeh.... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: 2b or not 2 b...down? Sunday, March 14, 2004 @ 10:32 p.m. now whu is comparing whu wit whu? i dun tink Winn understand much of wad i TYPED 2him earlier 2 day... reli after reading wad he typed... huh... yeh its BAD. but u noe if he's satisfied tinking & feeling dis way den so b it. He always has his own tinkin-i duno wads wrong wit jus telling me instead of waiting til a wk ltr or til d next tym when i ALREADY 4 gotten abt wad exactly he is referring to. He noes he dun understand some thgs n he dun voice dem out.. den he jus goes on 2 make up sumthg abt it. Maybe d problem is we'r chattin & we cant understand each other thru jus typed words...cos u cant hear d expression or d tone of d voice. SOme of d thgs he said/typed actually ar nt true & dat hurts-but only a little bit cos i wun wana let dat bother me. Of course iL b der 2 push HIM when HE is down? wad-da-hell is he toking abt? So wad nw;m making myself look as if I AM always d 1 whu is DOWN & helpless & pityful, in need of alot of pushing & encouragement n al dat? SHoot dat if dats wad he's tinking! he can jus ride off all he want-i dun need all dat if dats wad he's gona b tinking in d end. fine-blame me. lookS lyk i DIDNT show enuf dats y he tinks ima b dat way..... hw can he say/tink thgs lyk dat? & 4 every1's info-i DIDNT say i PITY azri..nvr wanted 2 use dat word on any1.. true i dun love him-true i stayed cos i tot he wil change or thgs wil work out & dats dat.. dats nt call pity ryte? arrghh 4 get it-its all 1 BIG mess-my life.. i juS NEED a NEW life man. new & better & xciting..jus wana 4get al dis old & reoccuring thgs dat is BAD 4 my life, mind, emotionally its al too much alredi. iv kept it al going & working 4 so long i jus wan it all 2 go away-plsss enuf alredi! haizz We were toking abt TWO as in numero dos..2 thgs. MY private shet and d other was abt i duno...abt hw bad or wild i was. k fine it sumhw led 2 d point where i was at dat no turning back point so i was willing 2 let him ask me stuff he tot was BAD in his opinion & il answer if iv done it b4 or not. i mean... WHO in their right mind will wana let some1 know about the bad stuff they'v been b4?? jus lyk d saying what ppl duno-wun hurt any1...but i duno it led 2 der but i was "ready" u noe..wadever he was going 2 tink of me aft dat it all depends.. but yeh he din ask much, said he didnt noe wad "bad" thgs gurl cld do..i mean dats fine wit me cos i wasnt reli too keen on letting him noe al of dat actually cos its nt gona help & i duno its nt impt now. i din wana explain cos it nt easy 4 me 2 say when & how & why i did sum stuff..& wad abt him..can he understand y if i told him so? he's just gona tink its al bullshit & crap & i was silly & stoopid or im so bad & shameless or wadever. juSt KNOWING if iv been der done dat is equally "satisfying" IF he reli wanted 2 noe abt it now. but oh wel... 4get abt it den. thnk god on my side den. d 2nd issue is abt MY internal thg-dats d 1 dat cant b touched-its too emotinal-private-painful. No matter hw many times iv explained-gave gd reasons, Winn stil tinks its a VERY bad thg dat i dun/cant tell him. iT really has got NOTHING 2 do abt him..itS jus ME-not wanting 2 tell ppl abt it bcos of d effects/impression its gona make ppl tink/feel. learning abt it WUN help me-my life-my past-undo it..no1 can help me (& gosh i hate feeling lyk a lost child..dun like being pitied at thnks!)..dis is ME. i dun to abt my private thgs cos nt only m i afraid-it hurts..i mean seriously. m jus being honest when i said MAYBE 1 day Winn wil get 2 noe abt dem..i duno..it reli depends on how much i tink i cld tell him & feel comfortable u noe..its nt even abt whether he is d ONE as in d guy m gona MARRY or wadever..& its nt as if iv told some1 abt it b4 him & m nt telling him which makes him look as if he is nt as impt as dat person...i duno y he just cant understand. he's looking at it as if he's nt impt enuff dats y i wun tell him or i duno sumthg lyk dat which is reli nt d reason AT all-IF dats true den i cld hav tok abt it wit my MUM or wadever but no, dis ppl ar nt even close 2me. hmm.. m done wit dis issue & hell m nt gona bring it up ever again cos its jus causes me MORE trouble. About going out wit male frens...hmmm i tink dat-IF i was stil in SG, i'd b out wit my male frens MORE then d gurls & if i was stil living der happily its almost often il b out wit d guys,so den hw? Winn's gona b upset al d tym i go out wit my MALE frens? d only difference now is dat-i DUN HAV a grp of guys as a hang out grp yet. al ar stil kinda yeh gettin 2 noe-tok 2u only when i have sch/cls questions. NOt every guy whu wants 2 hang out wana b more den jus frens. i feel weird bcos m nt hanging out wit d type of ppl i usually hang out wit. i dun hav close male frens dat i can tok 2 & i dun hav 2 worry abt ppl tinking m "bad" or wadever jus bcos i hang wit d guys more.. i DUN even hav much male frens.. NOT 4 long i hope. it is jUS me.. jus wana hav more frens & m nt looking 4 a BF.. m nt naive as well. so whenever wadever whuever is tinking shet thgs abt me-screw u al. m not cheap. u cant judge me cos u al dun even noe whu i am & wad i am lyk. sometimes i wonder wad if i was gone..where will i be man..at least i noe i wun hav 2 face so much nonsense..crap of shit..reli messing me up. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. :confuse: Monday, March 15, 2004 @ 04:28 a.m. I jus finis chtin wif cyrene a bit upset.we tok of sum private matters.i was so keen to noe her past life and all she can say is let u noe if ur the one.huh is it so bad dat i nid to b the one.sori 4 being so busybody.she also drawn a line 4 me.wat nw i hav my line?then thers another thing abt 'ESPCIALLY' me.wats dat?am i diffrent frm her x's?is it bad or gd?After all de reasons she gave me by dat time i've cum to 4get it.Wats de use shes nt gona tell me anyway.she always say nid to push her.k i can do dat push her bt if im down whus gonna push me.Nobody? one thing i find out is its easy 4 her to ask me if i want in or out?jz like dat A,B,C.without thinkin.then wat shes gonna juz 4get abt it after i ans. the thing still in my mind.i dunno if she wana leave me.i dowan her to threat me like azri.she noes she dunt love azri yet she stays bcos she think azri can change.alah y shud i get worried she says im diffrent.she says she pity azri so im jz paranoid. before she go off to church.she ask me wheter she can go out wif her guy frens.i noe she gona ask me dat one day. its juz a matter of time.dunno if grps or one on one bt whu noes.she still can juz say yes or no?tell me to ans dat? y seh cant a bf ask her gf wif whom or when or why.no nid to jump on me ah.if dats de way do as u wish no nid ask me.whu am i? only ur bf and im nt even de one.last time my x gf ask me b4 and look she is wif dat guy.haha weird......u noe wat i shud nt hold her.let her go i trust her bt if it backfires no one to blame.at least shes happy.i b happy too.i shudnt b too posesive..... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: if i could ask 4 sumthg... Friday, March 12, 2004 @ 06:25 p.m. i duno wad is d REAl problem now.. al i can honestly say is that its a fact that i do FEEL tired most of d tyms Winn needs/wants me,i mean c'mon la it has a lot to do wit d difference in our time. iV come a long way to get use 2 gettin up early just 2 chat/tok 2him..itS just unfortunate dat i have dis head prob too..haiz itS nt dat m tired of doing thgs dis way..i mean itS wad i WANT to-dat is 2 get 2 tok to him, when he is free but physically i AM only human. but if i dun do dis-den wads gona happen to he & i seh? ya i cld juSt brush d whole thg off & just say its natural, it has 2 b dis way but...sumtyms i also feel lyk m being taken advantage of. Maybe its jUST me thinking dis way or maybe it is dis way-but i feel lyk dis few days when we chat/tok der's alot of silence esp when chattin..M positive he is doing sumthg at dat tym mayb he has 2 or he's jUSt doing sumthg 4 a sec(or so he thought so) but dun i deserve to know at least? i mean suddenly its silent den i'l go "la la laa la la.." juST tellin myself 2b patient & den ltr i always hav 2 end up asking him wad he did or is he doing sumthg cos if he is he dun hav 2 try 2 "layan" me. sumtyms i dun feel lyk he giv me enuf credit 4wad i do-sumtimes also i feel lyk he dun care-or he jus hav dis tinking dat its ok, i'l b here..one of d occasion i reli felt mad dat he ask me 2 chat (& i too want to chat of course) but den its just silence most of d tym or m d only 1 saying so much or he just i duno wad he's doing..i juSt got pissed, doesnt he realise wad tym it is 4 me? if its going 2b dat way, he is not only wasting tym & making me bored.. he is also wasting his & MY tym.. tinking 4 me is gd but if he's tinking of d "wrong" thgs den it wun reli work either..maybe its my fault also dat since last tym whenever he needs me m always der pronto..den when i decide to say "no"-my body is reli saying no-tired or i try 2 just adjust 2 his Busy schedule he just starts to tink m not giving him enuf i guess... If i can ask 4 sumthgs..i juS want some respect-appreciation-understanding & most importantly some1 whu sincerely wants to be der 4me cos i KNOW if sum1 reli wants sumthg done/or wants sumthg 2work, dat person wil do almost anythg 2 make sure he/she make it successful. it's reli al communication & cooperation here.. juSt lyk d saying u can pull and push d donkey 2d pond 2 make sure it drinks water but u still cant force it 2 drink d water unless it wants too (unless u really FORCE d water in ha ha)..i mean sumtimes u can only do so much but if d other party doesnt see dat its gd 4 him/her den i guess go ahead and thirst wel actually if m really just going 2break it down to d SIMPLEST-all i want frm Winn is HIM, be it a little of his "free" tym, his simple words, a pathetic sms, wadever he has got 2 offer me-dat is IF he wants to offer me, if nt den...hmmmm...m nt gona push on it. understand-understood. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: worrying/waiting Thursday, March 11, 2004 @ 08:39 a.m. weL..itS pass 8:30AM, juS send mua sis 2 sch. Winn didnt msg me at aL since we hung up lAst nyte. hE said he was going home? & even if he didnt iTS alredi so late dun tel me he woRk al d way til NOW? oR yeh mayb he juSt "forget" 2mag me la=forget about me. yeh ok fine-i also shldnt "care" so much ryte. m juSt gona make myself feel al these nonsense but wad can i do? i cant juSt call him anytyme i want-i cant go out & see hw he is.. he juST makes me worry about him. SO now shld i b upset he "4got" about me or feel moRE worry dat he din msg me at al? wad if he did go home den sumthg happen along d way ke? or mayb itS as simple as he juST forgot la dat there's dis person FAR far far away dat's always waiting and anxious 2 hear abt him...mAyb he juSt doesnt feel dat commited la gurl.. k fine- So dun brood .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: 2ND package Tuesday, March 9, 2004 @ 03:46 p.m. itS Tuesday 2day..i juS ate dinner.Yesterday Winn's package arrived.i came in d houz & mua grandpa said i had a package(dey put in on my bed)..anyway i kinda knew its coming 2day so jz releks..den yeh saw it-siZe 3 box huh? so big 4 wad? haha..So i took a GOOD look at d box,al arnd it got lots of paper pasted & all..i din wana open it yet.. haha Xcite myself (cRazy..) so chAnged..ate 1st.opened d box on my bed..use d scissors 2 cut of d tape then.. deng deng deng.. HAHa.. ok 1st thg i saw was d bag..i tot wads dat? haha.. ok took it out den wahhh...so BIG? lol..reminded me of my Globe bag-dat has apparently been hanging on my room door,nvr use alredi...as usual la go & try haha.. very big ah actually.. but i lyk it dat way..loose. d usual army-NS-uniform-pose..haha quite funny,makes me lyk it more.. i lyk it alot..very "appealing" -manly lookin LOL..anyway 1 of mua fav is d 1 where he was jus sitting down on d ground wit every1 else,nt reli smiling nor frowning;jus simple-natural look only..but i duno y in dat pic he kinda look lyk d kind of guys dat usually attract me haha..mayb i duno..juS somehow love dat pic.he lookS so cute & 2a certain extend handsome haha...craZy.. but seriously dig dat pic.frm his Hair to hiS look-he lookS gd & dats final..haha..nice nice.. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: chattin w/winn Monday, March 8, 2004 @ 06:52 a.m. hmmm.. its VERY early..actually din wana get up yet..stil tired haha but its ok la.haiz...quiet..quiet..quiet... & its okay..if u wana party night & day..I wil do anythg u say-jUs come 2 my HOTEL! haha R.Kelly wooo.. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: Phewww! done Sunday, March 7, 2004 @ 11:44 p.m. finally done with my ENG! kaoz.. had a VERY bad headache earlier...took a nap den forced 2get up 2get redi dinner huehuehue..cannot tahan seh?! i wanted 2 do abt &-8+pm but freaking reli bad headache..its nt my migraine cos its nt 1 sided.anyway about 9pm reli had 2get up my eng almost due & i havent started..ate hopefully energized.so ya ok..felt better den started haiz lol..i was tinking id ask Winn 4 help cos reli seh jus nw it was bad lol.. den i rem he's working alredi hehe..anyway juSt finished.wah i typed out so long as if essay.she better give me a better gRade seh.tmr i got chem test..*yawnzzz.. hav 2go sch earlier 2 tek some quizes & revise a little b4 i start eng cls. hmm wad tym shld i wake up? and b der? i tink i gona read thru my notes first til i doze off. actually i stil hav dis eng quiz tmr but wad d heck?! i noe nothg..il jus do wad i do best-dat is 2 kip quiet & smile lol! i havent msg Winn since hmm aftrnn/evening... i wanted 2 sms him earlier b4 i started but m guessing he was resting or BZ so..its ok.hmm i probably shld start reading den slp.dowana b late tmr.iL get ready straight aft i send my sis 2 sch..wana bathe in AM.haiz iL rest when i get back frm sch ltr at 12noon, after my chem test.stil got math at nyte...hmm lucky tues no sch. k la wiSH me luck! .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. .:No Strings Attached:. Sunday, March 7, 2004 @ 06:15 p.m. Baby, you're not the only one... yeahI see the things he does to you All the pain that he puts you through And I see what's really going on Staying out at night while you're by the phone Take it from me It's a lesson to be learned Even the good guys get burned Take it from me See I would give you love The kind of love that you've only dreamed of CHORUS: Baby you're not the only one You don't have to be afraid to fall in love And I know that you've hurt in the past But if you want it, here's my heart No strings attached He doesn't give you the kind of attention That a girl like you needs (that a girl like you needs)Cause he always looks around His eyes wander 'round He doesn't see you like I see Take it from me It's a lesson to be learned Even the good guys get burned Take it from me Baby I would give you love The kind of love that you've only dreamed of yeah CHORUS - Take it from me It's a lesson to be learned Even the good guys get burned Take it from me See I would give you love The kind of love that you've only dreamed of So if you want to take a chance with me (ah-ah-ah-ah-ah)If you (baby) take a chance with me I'll be everything you need (everything you need) Because it's our destiny... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: better now.. Saturday, March 6, 2004 @ 12:21 a.m. wel..i juSt had a talk wit Winn..& everythg seems clearer now-clearer & better..we both know we cant hide frm al dat feelings of being frustrated every nw & den, & i noe now dat iv hurt him by telling him stuff. I nvr wanted him 2 tek it personally but i guess he did-& m sorry..reli i am. juSt the tot of him mayb not wanting me anymore is jus saddening. Wel, we'v been on d fone 4 d last couple of hrs & we had a gd talk.. its going 2 get better.. i feel better. friends had questioned and been surprise dat m stil with Ashurin..i noe dey tink its not gona work but so far, its al going wel & der is no trick 2 dat..its al bcos of d gd communication we hav & dat has strengthen out bond now since 5mths ago..& m just happy he's arnd or at least he tries. Now he's at d Carrer fair at Suntec..i wiSh i cld follow.anyway iv got a headache now..i shld rest cos i hav kickboxin early ltr in d morn.i dun tink he'l b back in tym 2 chat/tok 2 me cos m leaving at abt 6:50am..hmmm i feel reli bad seh... i did sumthg wrong haha! shhh...jus wasnt in d right state of mind la i guess haha.. but surely hav 2 b frown upon..no doubt. Eeeeeee .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: worry Friday, March 5, 2004 @ 04:49 p.m. i just got back..went 2 buy callin card.. m not sure if Winn want 2 tok 2me anot..i msg him though telling him we should tok.He knows very well dat we can tok abt all our problems & feelings but i duno y he just dowana tell me in d first place-he'd rather jus keep quiet & not tell me..he'd rather just disappear & not even msg me abt wads wrong.. is it wrong dat m being to honest abt wad m feeling? my main purpose was 2 let him noe i feel a certain way & hope he'd understand & help me but he kinda took it 2 heart & din reli understand i guess i hurt him rather den tried 2 make thgs better, cos he seem really sad or shld i say upset dat i told him all those...iv been sayin al d "bad" thgs m feeling these pass few days & dats jus d "bad" thgs...not everyday thgs. al other tyms everythg is close 2 perfect-i cldnt ask 4 more...al i want is him 2 b der and m happy. He's not d only person whu feels scared dat d other person might leave.. i'm afraid dat he'l leave and not want me anymore too.. but wad else can i say?? guys do get bored and it is difficult 2have some1 so far away... i duno wad he's been tinkin but d way he acted, nt msging me on "our" day & not telling me anythg... i can only guess it. he says he din say dat he wana leave me... HASNT said he meant... haiz.. whu m i kidding..of course dat's wad he's tinking... -MAYBE- al dis is too much 4him, jus lyk how it was b4.. "its jus too much.. I AM too much.."??? but can i blame him if he reli meant dat? ... i guess not. i duno.... m tinking al sorts of thgs now. i reli shldnt bother Winn anymore-m just adding nonsense.. ya..i shldnt.. hmmmmm.. i shldnt.... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: din go sch Friday, March 5, 2004 @ 10:19 a.m. m late 4 sch... m not going... :( my mind-its jus haizz... "tinkin abt wat u said jz nw & dis few days. im sorie if use dat word on u cos i was jz teasin u.i noe i shudnt use it.my fault.ya its our day and i said dat"-winn He's tinking??? he said he wasnt angry wit me...? but he obviously didnt show he was "not angry" wit me by not msging me at al..on our day... even if i was kinda upset i stil did.. i cant help it,i want to msg him & nt be silly abt it,althought i do tek it 2heart cos its just a bad way 2describe sum1 whom u claim 2 love or like. al dis..its making me worry,giving me head pains..m suppose 2b in sch now but..haiz..iL rest 4 awhile.i tink iL go 4 chem..i HAVE to..cos got test on MON & i havent study.. reli very sad now but itS okay abt Winn..........m juSt asking 4 it.itS my fault. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: 5th mth @nniversary.. Friday, March 5, 2004 @ 06:05 a.m. time:4.05AM i kinda woke up..checked my hp & der was a msg-u noe a reminder kind of thg it says: "My 5th mth with Winn".. i wanted 2 msg him but......i duno,he din msg me either so i duno.mayb he's upset w/me..i feel reli sad.i jus went back 2 slp.2hrs laTer m here..typing dis.anyway he din log in back aftr his prayer(i had mua com on aLL morning..but only yahoo.msger) haiz............ ya i was upset with him (d way he called me) but den he din msg me anyway..mayb he's mad too.afraid 2 msg him now.anyway..i just better log off... but b4 dat..i reli want to wish him a h@ppy 5th mth anniversary...tel him dat i appreciate everythg frm chat-talkin on d fon-even sms frm him...juST him...his company is al dat i hav NOW & cldnt ask for more.d past 5mths has nvr been better(at least compared 2 d rest).. now m sad cos i dun tink he's gona msg me..... :( it's al bcos of me... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: why like dat?? Thursday, March 4, 2004 @ 08:23 p.m. i tink m beginning 2 notice sumthg reli bad abt HIM.dun like it..nvr liked it..nvr ever use such words & relate them 2me,cos it's almost as bad as if m being referred to some kind of freak-cheap-gurl! degrading? to me-worst! its almost disrespectful. thnks alot..*shake my head* hw can he allow himself 2b like dat-and to me?? is dat reli how he is? spit out wadever-whenever..i tink to WHOever also..apparently it doesnt matter whu d person is anyway.tsk tsk,its dat feeling again and it gets harder everytym............ .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: pushing on... Wednesday, March 3, 2004 @ 03:36 p.m. jus gt back frm sch.i tot aft cls i wana go home & slp cos m sOOo Sleepy..but ya noe wad-fortunately mua semangat-"hardworking" part of me lead me 2 d math lab..so der i was doing & trying 2 understand.hate it man..i wana ask 4 help but m shy 2 ask 4 help.& when i dod ask 4 help..dat teacher was toking 2 herself..anyway jus did my best 2 try 2 understand.m gona eat & "rest" 4 awhile & go back der 2 revise..or mayb dun rest jus go straight..i duno haizz.. Winn didnt msg me yesterday..did he slp early or...?anyway he shld rest..he's been having headache probably bcos his body/mind is nt use 2 sleeping/staying up late 2 chat wit me..boy..i noe HOw dat feels haha & it teks a long while 2 get use 2it & even harder 2 maintain.bla bla bla...i tink he & i r -O K- 4now.i din get 2 add an entry abt d whole issue & hah pls..i dun wana tok abt it..its juSt too much.1thg i rem thought is dat he said sumthg like "...i dun believe it(me) now"(wed 02march04) ..yeh he's upset but c'mon man.. so u c..juS best 2 try 2 nt let it come in mind. okok..juS a little update..lets c..haha..iv got a crush on dis guy-in my eng class.hahahaha....so sch gurl seh i.but seriously..feeling as if m a young sch gurl..having crushes & al dat jazz.his name is Brett Clay haha..we had 2 get in2 grps & act out a scenario abt a couple so i din noe him at 1st-nvr even notice,wel anyway we jus got choosen & d line start wit him asking me "honey,wads wrong?" & my 1st line was suppose 2b "oh, nothing.." hahaha..so funny seh. *nods mua head..hmmmm yeh crush crush crush..totally harmless but i bet Winn's gona get mad! haha..haizz.....2day in cls lots of ppl wore RED..haha me too. wel i better go & eat den gotta run back 2 sch & start revising..dowana get low grades man..no no pls.wiSh me lUCk! .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. Im grateful Thursday, March 4, 2004 @ 09:47 p.m. Today i had a heart to heart tok wif my fav girl.we lay evrytin on de table.I was so glad she told me evrytin.i wish i was there cos at dat time i juz wanna hold her.Tanx babes.i mean we'r pretty close.Its comin to our 5th mth Annivesary anyway.it seems so fast.time move fast when im wif her.I juz hope she comin back dis jun.Im so xcited and full of hopes 4 us.Im finisin my NS sn.I juz enrol into poly.I hope im accepted.By de time i finis my army it wud b 8mths wif her.dats fast.We click fast and we gt hitched fast and i feel we gettin closer n closer.I hope we do well together.I hoping for de best my dear(CYRENE DEE CATHERENE).Muach! I Syg You! .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. paranoid Tuesday, March 2, 2004 @ 11:35 p.m. I had a bit of misunderstanding with CYRENE today.i duno y i burst bt i think it was bcos she nvr ans me truthfully.she nvr ans me directly she tried to hide here and there.it end up me knowing also.i dont know why she want to hide she went to anak melayu.com.i ask her nt once bt twice bt stil she kept de reason.i cant help it bt kip thinkin she doesnt trust me.Am i being paranoid.she kips hiding certain things frm me.Duno y she did dat.its my fault to let my fren log in to anak melayu using my email bt i nvr tot it would lead dis far.my chinese fren only wanted to go and hav a look.it was so long anyway.well im dead.shes gona ignore me nw.duno wheter im being too honest. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: 1st voice conversation-MIC Friday, February 27, 2004 @ 03:18 p.m. MIC test 1,2,3 hehe.. yeh finally Winn & i manage 2 talk online using d MIC.he juST bought a new MIC(4 d com).. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: i duno Thursday, February 26, 2004 @ 03:24 p.m. got a headache..eyes hurt..too much stuff happened last nyte.eyes puffy..abit confuse..i duno.i juSt duno wad 2 tink now.i feel like i dun wana tok 2him anymore cos it al hurts..but it hurts also not being in "gd" terms w/him cos d stuff he said makes me just wan him 2b der.he says m trying 2 ignore him..i dun even noe if dats wad m trying 2 do or wana do..i dun wana tok 2him/hear wad he has 2say, its just me being stubborn tinking dat it cant b right n m scared i dowana hurt him or myself in d end but... i also want him der/2hear his voice and convince me dat everythg is how it shld be & dat its al 4real. Ha ha.. so dramatic huh? or is it just me? y shld i bother? i shldnt b tinkin of al dis.. but.. haiz.. i duno man. m hanging on a thin line.. i dun feel like eating.. i wana rest now-i shld rest.i got thgs 2 do ltr or mayb not..tmr no eng class anyway.its gona b better once m awake.........right? .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: dats al Thursday, February 26, 2004 @ 01:41 a.m. so hurt seh... its so hard 2 explain... making sure not 2 say d wrong thgs... it hurTs also... but he cant understand... & so dats how it shld end... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: =) he's back!! Wednesday, February 25, 2004 @ 12:37 a.m. at abt 2:50pm i was in bed..lying down(juSt kinda woke up)frm a nap when mua hp vibrated bside me..i din tink it was him but it was! haha.. Winn's back. i din noe wad 2 reply reli so i just put 2 smiley "face" & said i was glad & he shld rest.den he said he wana tok 4 awhile.so i fetch mua sis,ate lunch & i called him....4d 1st tym in abt 3wks i finally got2 hear his voice..he sound so sweet.. =)=)=) i was smiling all d way while talking 2 him-reli i was..huh..haha we even asked d qns "How are u?" at d same tym...it's been too long.....but it feels gd 2 hav him arnd again, but m stil in dat "single" mode haha.....he&i hav been "aslp" 4 so long.. i'l juST hav2 wait & see hw thgs flow frm here.. m reading some articles online now 4 mua eng discussion tmr-its so freaking hard..i fell like m taking Political Science man..sheezz..too many thgs 2 rem&understand..haiz..i shld reSt soon.i duno when dat "boy" is gona wake up but wel dats d "drill"..when he's redi m "suppose" 2 b ready...hmmm dat was B4 i duno abt now..haha.....yawnzz 2dat-wadever. i hoPe i win dat seventeen.com FREEBIE!! haha... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: din maner di@....?? Monday, February 23, 2004 @ 09:50 p.m. hmm.. m waiting anxiously 4 Winn 2be back but til now he hasnt sms me yet. did i get d date wrong? cant be.. kinda positive he shld b in SG 2day lei... it shld b 2PM der now..hmmm..i hope he sms me soon. i wonder wad happen 2 him? he nvr mSg me since i duno when. i just saw Winn's pic 2day-d real pic i mean.i always c his pic but those in my com, u noe i see dem whenever m using d com.whether or not on purpose or juSt see it i duno but yeh 2 day was d "1st" tym in many many days dat i went 2 see his real pic,those he sent me. I had math earlier in d evening/nyte..m so upset seh..i got d wrong grade 4 eng!farking thg..(soRRy).anyway dat 46/50 was d grade i got 4 my draft but cos my FINAL draft i din get 2 finish it & juSt kinda ask my fren 2copy & paste my old draft in as my final essay(cos my com down),i got a freaking 60/100! dats like a D seh... D!!!!??? haiz... sedih man.. now no mood........ .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: waiting... Sunday, February 22, 2004 @ 11:31 p.m. woke up late abt almost 11am.going 2 church 2 day.abt 12noon my hp alarm beeped & it showed "Winn is back!!" den m like confuse cos i thought i he's coming back 23? i put in my hp dat he'l b back on d 23rd(my 23)..but on my real calender i cirled 24th...oh man.. m gettin old seh.which is which now? i only cross out d days in my calender so according 2 dat i cicled 24th so he shld b in S'pore on my calender on dat day. but y did i put 23 in my hp alarm?i rem i set it up when i was stil on d fone wit Winn & he told me which date he was coming & d tym.so m confuse now?? Anyway...i hope he'l b back by tmr(my mon).. =) i cant wait 2 hear his voice..listen2 all d stuff he's been thru. hmmmmmm...i wonder wad happen2 him? he hadnt msg me 4 a LONG tym. even so til now he's almost coming back 2 SG i mean surely they're packing or sumthg ryte? he reli so BZ? or his fren's hp spoil? or he doesnt wana msg me???.....errr m talking crazy alredi.. better not tink abt it.i'l juSt wait patiently 4him........... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: huRt my knees Saturday, February 21, 2004 @ 12:32 p.m. as usual had kickboxin 2day.i was LATE man haha..i set d alarm clock at 6:15AM..it went on so i off it & went back 2 slp!lol...d next thg i noe its wad 6:50AM alredi & cls sTArts at 7AM! so there i was rushing.damn thg, 4got 2 set 2 times.i always hav2 set at least 2 times. 1st 2 wake me up & another abt 10-15mins ltr just 2 make sure m awake heehee.. 1 more alarm 2 tell me 2 leave home coS sumtimes i get ready too slowly-4get the time & b late..hehe always late. haiz so i was late ryte,by da tym i got der i miSS most of d exercise thgy.din warm up alot.den i hurt my kness real bad some more..haiz..HATE dat specific exercise thg-seriously seh sakit eh.. both kness.how come only mine hurt? KAt & Cara din complain also juST dat dey cant reli do dat specific exercise also..alah..spoil knees alredi. in the gym i cldnt even lift the weights(those dat i have to bend my kness bla bla bla). abit scared seh cos if anythg happen wah die..my kness are very precious.haha..i tot i wun b able 2run arnd the tracks aft dat but i was glad i cld..started slow jog 4d 1st round and kness felt better, so i went ahead.we finished early 2 day cos my instructor had 2 leave early.it was her bday also..she's 40 yrs old!!haha..20 more yrs b4 i turn 40..i wonder how i m by den?? At home i went online,my sisters stil aslp.we 3 ate lunch late abt 5++pm.so naturally we ate dinner late too.we din eat d "normal" dinner.i juSt made d pizza i bought frm d supermarket long ago & dats al. d rest of d day i juST rest & went online.i had 2 put up stuff in my online class bored thg about SAME_SEX MARRIAGE haha...haiz...i did dat since after eating "lunch" abt 5++pm til abt dinner tym,9++pm! SOOoo free seh haha. But it feels gd. i juSt got dis weird feeling dat i like doing work-studyin..d deadline is tmr,sun & i was leisurely doin it earlier..wahh no worries, no stress, lotS of tym.. feels gd. =) i shld do my stUff earlier frm now huh? d other day, d day i had math test i went 2 d MATH lab early b4 my math test & got help frm d teacher there.got help on how 2 do my hmwk(dat was due dat day) & abit of revision.. m laffing at myself cos it actualy feels gd seh..2 study haha.i tink its funny 2me cos i dun often study-no reli i dun. i "study" or shld i say read my stuff only at d very last min & just go in2 test wit my in-class in knowlegde/stuff i learn/REMEMBER frm class only haha.. so ya anyway i got my 1st Math grade 4dis semester & i got 94/100! an A! hehe... not bad 4 a math grade huh..feels gd.i also checked my Eng essay grade & i got 46/50! heehee..it was a drAft essay cos i had a little accident wit d electricity in my room & i din get2 finish my essay actually but haha 46 is gd enuff.at least better den d 1st draft essay grade she gave me which was only 39/50! dats like a C seh?!overall feeling gd abt d academic part. physically my kness stil hurt but its better now. After doing my eng stuff online i went on 2 attempt 2fix my pitas..my POor poor pitas..i have everythg in mind alredi i juST duno how 2 do it seh?m Hoping 2 get it done b4 Winn gets back.. but i duno if i can make it lol.Luckily Hazman is so kind 2 help out.haha...my new bespren seh haha! thnks ah boy. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: = Shopping = Friday, February 20, 2004 @ 09:59 p.m. in d AM we had dis little project on issues in USA. my partner was Kat & our issue was on Same-Sex Marriage. we din say alot but we got thru it.lol~ aft dat i had chem cls den aft cls i tok 2 Fernando.he say he wana do his math hmwk at d math lab. i said m going 2d cafeteria & see if my frens are stil der, so he followed me up & Cara was der. Kat was juSt leavin 2 go 2 her math class. So we al juSt sit at d same table. Fernando did his math der, Cara just sat der & read d papers abt her issue(eng) while i did my chem hmwk haha..lucky Fernando was there,borrowed his textbk den he also pass me his hmwk haha..marked alredi.so i do den double check ah.heehee.we 3 were juSt kinda quiet.. til Kat came back frm her math cls.i finiShed my chem & we 3 left..i felt bad seh i left Fernando at d cafeteria alone haha..m d 1 who brought him der,borrow his books den i left him der.Anyway he did say he was going2 leave soon anyway so he din say much,i din see any bad expression frm his face also..he was reli in2 his work haha right frm d start when he started doing his math.he juSt sit der wit us & do his work.Kat find him funny cos when we try 2 tok 2 him or Kat ask him stuff & he wun b able 2 hear us cos he's too engross wit his work! haha..smart guy..lol but seroiusly very funny.he's SOO in2 his own work. concentrating seh.. Anyway d 3 of us were suppose 2go 2Kat's new place but we ended up going 2 Old Navy(shopping store).haha we went on 2try stuff see if it looks good.Kat tried pants while me & Cara went 2try skirts.d skirt looks gd ah haha..but its kinda short.1 picked out 2of d same design but diff material/clothe.1 is corduroy,color light grey of sOme sort & d other 2 is soft blue denim.Cara tried d same thg & we both liked it haha...it was on sale so i tot better get it BUT at d end i din noe which 2get. d denim 1 was much expensive & i didnt wana use up my $$ juST in case i need it later.both d gurls told me 2 better get 1 of dem since it's on sale.Cara even said "u better buy it or else u might even regret it ltr & even dream abt it..if me i'd surely dream abt it..it'l haunt me!" haha.so ya i bought d corduroy 1st den mayb...juSt mayb il get 2 other 1 too.AFter dat we went 2 d shoe shop.Kat said she saw a pair of shoes dat is my typ/i'd like.so we went & haha.. i got tempted seh..she was right i LIKE d shoe she said i wld like.haha..its not reli shoes,its more like sandals.Damn! haha.. she knows if i LIKE it alredi i surely wil go get it..sure enuf when i fetch Claudeen frm d bart we went out shopping 4 shoes!haha..she wanted 2 buy shoe so i brought her der & i bought d sandals Kat showed me earlier.wahh..die..spend spend spend.lucky i nvr spend alot of $ since sch started.i dun eat at sch xcept 4 d muffins i buy every other day..or d hot french vanilla coffee i buy sumtimes when d whether is TOO cold.ahhh dat taste soo gd seh yumm!haha.. & yeh i dun hav 2 buy calling card cos Winn's been away.Yesterday me, my mum & Deeshane went shoppin also haha..i made her pay 4 d belt i picked out.d belt is too gd 2 resist man.very yummy colour & limited..left only 2 haha..actaully i din wana get it cos its kinda X but wadda heck..mum's paying & she din say no so haha..thnks!!i use d belt 2 day & Kat/Cara said dey liked it.haha..reli no kiddin.. d belt is so nice. after shopping wit mua sisters we got home abt 9+pm ate dinner & relax..grandparents weren't at home, dey al went 2 SF so we 3 had d whole house 2 ourselves..Ahhhhh heaven..i slpt kinda late cos i stayed up 2 watch 2 hours of d show- Queer eye for d straight guy.not bad show..haha .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: damn com Thursday, February 19, 2004 @ 01:35 p.m. yeh m in d com lab now.chem lab finish damn early 2 day..Woohooo!! haha..i shld hav brought mua math so i can ask help huh? or i shld hav done my chem cos i havent pass it up yet lol~! how long alredi i stil havent done it.kk..iL make sure dat by next week its handed in OKAY Cyrene? lol..weekend il get it done. hehe..nw dat mexican guy in mua chem cls is sitting beside me name Fernando. Same age as Winn...his breathe smells like smoke(!) haiz...smoKERs. ANyway i text Winn somethg last nyte dat i noe is pretty dumb?? i dun even noe y i msg him dat msg.i hope he dun get d wrong meaning...but...wad meaning m i trying 2 let him noe anyway?? he's been gone 4 too long man..i duno..i dun feel d significance of US nemore..somethg has 2b done b4 it flies off 4 gd. ABout dis pitas..damn pitas!or shld i say damn com! GREAT timing to break down man..haiz..i hope mua uncle fix d electricity wires in mua bedroom..even my bedroom's light is not working..wadda heck?? haiz..i was working on my FINAL draft 4 dat "My Kind of Music" essay cos it was due SUN(feb 15)..i started early & even had my sis 2 help me type thgs out while i dictate it.i juST wanted 2 add more thgs a paragraph or 2 abt Bob Marley's backgrnd so we went surfing arnd 2get some info. den d com or electricity in my room had 2 go off juSt when me & my sis got all d facts readi 2 b typed in2 d essay.damn thg was dat i kept telling her 2 save d stuff just in case it got deleted but we saved it in d documents not in a floppy disk!so when d thg died i cldnt retrieve it..haiz..its was abt 6Pm i tink & it's due at 11Pm.me & Grandpa went 2d garage & i had 2 climb some thgs 2 get 2 d circuit box 2 try 2 ON back wadever u call dat switch. b'cos der was also no lights der i cant see wel & we only had a flash light.kinda hurt myself on my way up.pluS d freakin thg cant be switched on,it kept going back 2 "off".i was gettin desperate seh.bad luck 4 me dat my aunty&her family dat stays nearby are out so i cant use their com.Arlana's com had no internet.i wanted 2 go 2 Kat's hoUse but she was out & she too havent done her finishing tOuches 2her essay..wahh..m doom i thought. Anyway i cldnt do anythg abt it so i went 2 my other grandparents house near by and brought Deeshane's clothes over.She's going 2 stay overnite der cos Arlana(my cousin) wanted her 2stay der & since it was a public holiday tmr(Mon),i let her go.CLaudeen came along..haha but she don't wana slp der.b4 we went 2 mua other grandma's place i notice blood on my foot! i thought i had hurt myself & i din tink abt it til i saw it haha...wahh deep cut seh.pedas..got blood some more haha fun seh.Its been HOW long since i last hurt myself/cut myself man..i kept repeating it 2 CLaudeen "hey see my foot got blood haha..so long i nvr hurt myself, lucky itS not big" anyway about 9Pm me & claudeen went home frm nenek #2 nye house. me feeling sad & scared dat i might get a BAD grade i started calling al d people i noe dat has a com 2 ask 4 help haha.Lucky 4me Linda was free seh... she helped me type & fix my essay in2 d online board.Actually Kat wanted 2 help me do it but she din get 2 finish hers early.the only thg is dat i juSt told her 2 cut & paste the stuff frm my previous draft(draft 2 or 3 i tink) & i was glad she posted it in tym seh.. juSt a few mins b4 my teacher off d posting thg abt 11:20+pm haha... pheeww! thanked her SOO much.straight after dat Kat & i talked on d fon.we talked frm 11+ 2 about 1+am seh! haha..we jUSt kept talking..abt d essay-sch-Bf-Winn haha haizz..feels gd.but i realise how long iv not use d fon and talked 2 any1 4 hrs on d fon...Miss talking 2 Winn...i fell aslp wit dat in mind.. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene: HAzman d saviour Saturday, February 14, 2004 @ 11:14 a.m. hey hey..feel SOooo gud 2day man.went kickboxin..ran..did weights..workout..aerobics wahh feels gd man.finally get 2 sweat..esp nw cold season,i hardy sweat seh.came home asap...feeling gud. now chattin..heheh hAZMAN helpin me edit mua pitas.yesternyt i spend quite a long tym tryin 2 change dis whole thg seh..pening giler.. nw hav 2 trouble HAZMAN hehe.. sorry ah boy.. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: lAte nyte Thursday, February 12, 2004 @ 02:17 a.m. yesh i noe.. its pretty late & yeh iv been chattin..haiz.actually i wanted 2 do my eng essay but asap i log on dis ppl click me ah..haiz.den m so mentally tired dat i also jua wana chat la.."relax"..dis guy MArk-aiyoh.. psycho 4 me or sumthg.always wana c my pic???chat abit wit Wak also.. & haha saw Farid 2 day online.. din tok much cos he had 2 go.. m so very sleepy now.shld i slp or do my essay?? haiz.. if only Winn was arnd.. he'l gimme an idea wad i shld do.. i miSS him.. 2wks more 2 go?? haiz.. i duno hw much longer man. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: 1st mATH test Wednesday, February 11, 2004 @ 05:54 p.m. okok..m back..in sch..early.gona meet Linda an hr earlier 2 tok abt math stuff & hmworks stuff like dat. aftr dis freaking test..m goin home 2 start on CHEM 4 tmr's lab work.. sheezz.. wel i duno when m gona b able 2 do my ENG essay b4 mua appointment wit a t'cher tmr(thurs) afternn after my lab.. haiz.. i tink i better stay up late 2 do chem & eng huh?..i shld. wel i better continue my math now.. if not m doomed... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: news...frm an old fren Wednesday, February 11, 2004 @ 02:11 a.m. yesh i noe its reli late now..gona b 2:15AM alredi.but i just had 2 type dis down b4 i 4get or ya..il b pretty bz d next few days.anyway yup..i chatted wit Royston & he mention abt seeing Azri arnd Jan & azri told him dat he called me bla bla bla. we tok abt it den jus as i was checkin mua email guess wad??....Azri sent me a frenster msg..shockin huh? weL its pretty long..he talking abt mua recent pic(said i look gd), told me abt him breakin up wit his GF, & stuf like dat.he confessed he stil love & miss me -m like..hellooo?? *roll my eyes...m reli confuse abt dat but i guess he's just saying dat cos he's single now huh? wadever it is..iv made up my mind 2 be "normal" arnd him ya noe..be frendly..like hw we use 2be-b4 we got 2gether..i dowana b mean or hate no body so..m cool at it all..juSt dat all these guys..coming in at 1 shoot-NOW..Winn is not here so..i duno if by d tym he comes back if i stil can rem everythg anot? haha.. wel,k la..beter slp.tmr i got MATH test,math hmwk unfinish..eng essay..CHEM work not done suppose 2b due tmr..damn..m BZ up 2mua neck seh!haha..gotta go.. Z z z z .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: tired Tuesday, February 10, 2004 @ 01:03 a.m. hmm..i noE its late..i juSt finish posting sum shet into mua online cls board thgy(eng). Anyway m reli BZ til dis WEd. iv got a MATH test dis WED & d hmworks are due by den..ders abt 24 QNs!! darn... now hav 2 ruSh again.. & tmr is alredi tues. Wel i also hav mua ChemiStry due on wed..bt i dun tink im gona do dat.. IL hand it in late i tink.. & mua ENG essay.. shezzz..when is it going to end man!? MiSS Ashurin.. reli tempted to text him yestersay but.. i din cos itS not his fon & ya its xpensive 4 his frens (he has 2 pay for incoming sms too..ryte??) anyway..i hope he msg me soon.. itS stil a very LONG tym b4 he comes back. SO many thgs hav happen..i could reli use alot of his company/encouragment & help now but.. wel.. mayb next tym. I hope he's doing ok though.. hmm.. Cyrene:rem 2 ask him if he has got a fren name RIZAL whu's got a scrambler too..got a cousin name Idayu(young female,in sec sch). Idayu said Winn look familiar.....hmmm....haiya.. so many days more to go seh..d days pass by so slowly without you arnd. i cannot understand y a couple of my frens tink Winn "looks" like Azri....... i tink d body size almost d same(height-weight)..sharp/long nOse..bony face..a couple of mua frens ar i duno whether dey r shy or not sure whether 2 mention it but dey'l start by saying.."eh Cyrene dun mind me saying ah but ur Bf looks abit like azri ah"...hmmm kinda of similiar maybe but stil diff look la pls.. aNyway..i did some surveys today..found out Jon-Jon was alredi 23 & going 24 yrs old dis yr! haha.. he's too cute to b so olD heuheuhue..he looks like he's 19/20. he said i look 17/18 (yeh..ryte!). & oh dis white guy i surveyed..his name is Derek Henry..white guy,19 haha.. he looks cute too.. smiling at me.. lol. not handsome,jus normal but he seem to be smiling at me,lookin at me while talking hahhaha..siao. Wel dat lasted less den 3mins or so,so.. i dun tink il ever see him again..haha.cant even rem his face now?? weak memory... anyway..gotta go & slp..tmr iv got tons of hmwork to do man..haiz.. & oh yeh stil hav 2 call dat Asrul.always wrong timing seh.. k la.. nyte².. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: ComputEr drAined Saturday, February 7, 2004 @ 06:20 p.m. kAoz..i duno if iv got rid of dat irritating virus in mua com..al i can do is hoPE..i spent 3hrs on it man..i reli hav 2 change/upgrade dis pitas's look huh? but i hav no idea wadsoever hw 2seh?? cant ask Winn 2 do it cos he's more clueless den i am..anyway he's always BZ.oops..azri(siglap) is here online..gona ask d geniuse 4 help me abt mua com..brb laTor. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: d hint is OUT Wednesday, February 4, 2004 @ 12:10 p.m. Winn msg me 2day..so surprise(even though iv been waiting for i duno hw long..huehuehue)bt when i got 2 read d msg it was an hr ltr so i duno if he got my msg anot??haiz..m feeling kinda weird cos..i dun feel like i miss him so much yet?i kip tell myself thgs like 'oh iv been single b4..' or 'i wun die nt having him arnd 4a few weeks' ..& i noe i can survive..mayb m jus being calm abt d whole thg-he nt being arnd.i duno if its gd or nt bt i tink its better den those girl i noe who cries themselves 2slp when their BF din call go out wit dem or some shitty reasons lyk dat.SInce d day Winn left,my tears only dropped when i was on d ph wit him..i reli felt like choking den bt yeh..i dun cry easily..nt unless m feeling moody-emo haha... Anyway aft chem class as usual went 2 d com lab.Ogedi was der again..i din wana b rude or anythg la so when he spoke 2me i just converse back.after awhile i wanted 2 do my chem work(written) so we sat at a table.i did my work..he did his stuff(eng)..& den..he asked me if i have a BF anot.den he wanted 2 noe more..so i said u ask me anythg den il just ans(if i wana ans)..he also ask me if m a virgin???!! wuuud?? lol..i juSt laff & said "dats 4me 2 noe..4u 2 find out" den he just laff den he said oh he's got a dirty mind sumtimes & said if i din wana tok abt such thgs he's cool.i din say much..just tok as if its nothg.den he went on ahead & asked me wad type of guys i like..so i started by sayin sporty-funny..he said i din ans his qn, he meant wad "kind"..race.So..haha,in my mind i noe i probably wun go out wit a VERY hitam guy but..i din wana b racist & hurt his feelings so i jus said..erm i haven dated any black/white/mexican yet so i duno..he went on 2 say,so u like filipino guys den huh..cos they'r short.m like..huh? i like tall guys..he further explain saying "short" as in penis size..m like OMG?? laff & said..i dun cAre..m nt lookin at d size of "dat thg" when i go out wit guys.anyway he himself laff sayin dat if i dowana tok abt it its ok..iv got a dirty mind some tymes.i din say more.just went on doing my work..he ask me also wad i do on tues(when i got no sch)..i say i slp/eat/do my work at hm..chat wit my BF he's free..der was dis 1 tym we were toking abt sumthg den he jUst asked me if his body was nice..my ans was-"i dun care"..he laff a bit but he said i hurt his feeling by sayin so..i explain a bit la dat i dun care if his body big or not cos m nt interested at al guys body(mayb if i like d guy-yeh..mayb i duno).he sAid he dun hav a GF cos he haven found d right 1..so O K A Y.he said i was being mean 2him..being sarcastic..he also said i was 80% "bad" typ of girl..haha,wel at least he noes il kick his arse anytime der's a nid to..bla bla bla i went off 2 fetch my sis & he left alittle ltr.At d end he laff & said dat i was lying..& dat i dun hav a BF-i said yes i do..i duno if he's joking or wad cos he was not talking seroius kinda laffing/smiling when he said m lying-i dun hav a BF haha...i dun care .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. :: Cyrene :: Winn pictures arrived Tuesday, February 4, 2004 @ 10:08 p.m. dis am/afternn i woke up & got d feeling dat d pic r coming 2 day.at 1st i checked i din see an envelope 4me(der were too many advertisment & such)..so i was abit sad la..bt ltr i wasnt convinced cos my instinct told me its gotta b here 2day..so i check d whole stack again & saw a part of a small enveloped..wit my name on it!!haha..yesh finally.see i told u its der.so ok..i went 2 my room & read d mail.stared at his handwriting for a long tym..i found out dat he wrote everythg in pencil 1st..den used a black ink pen den erasing d pencil mark.does dat mean sumthg?? lol..putting effort 2make it look nice huh? but overal it looked as though he was in a hurry..bt its okAy..i nvr thought he'd take tym 2 write/do it dat way..i tot he'd probably feel its too "leceh" haha..bt ok..(may i made a wrong guess..mayb he din even did it dat way??)so anyway, b4 i open i noe i wun expect too much..as in dun expect a very handsome guy in d pic or sumthg like dat haha..u noe dat kind of thg.so ok.. 1st pic:was him on his bike..hmm cant see much of his face but he alredi look cina 2 me..lol..& d surroundings,his bike..aiyoh..so muddy/dirty..he must he feeling freakin hot in his helmet/clothes..sheezzz..next 2nd pic:he again on his bike..holding his nike bag(i tink its nike..?)den his right hand wit d "peace" sign..hmm..he looked as if he got red eye seh..not nice..euurrr..huehuehue..he's got a long face huh? his lower jaw bones v clear..i dun tink i like his hair der??lol..bt dis pic-i honestly dun reli like..cos of his red eye..he look kinda like d play² type huh??..hmmmm 3rd pic:he sitting beside d phone(shld b his house).d thg i observed here is dat..yeh he does look older..den me haha..his shirt mmm..look funny,nvr tot he'd wear anythg lyk dat.his legs..haha okAy, nw i now how "hairy" his legs ar..& of course hw "ugly" they ar..so many bruise marks?! aper he buat? muST learn hw 2 tek care man..nt nice..doesnt mean got alot of bruise dat means he's tough..lol.anyway..up 2 d arms,his arms looks erm "strong" la..haha..siao.iv got a fetish 4his fingers..huehuehue.face..hmm..honestly it look as if he got rash cos it look a bit red.i noe he gt pimple bla bla bla..bt he doesnt look ugly la..i mean m juSt abit uncertain cos i feel like m looking at some1 i duno-which is quite true..by dis pic i duno hw many times iv said 2 myself "i'v nvr seen u in my whole life seh.." HAHA..kept saying dat.juST cant believe m attached 2 dis guy..whom i duno-nvr seen b4..but i stil like his lips.. (muachh!)..i dun like his hair..it looks dry out..heuhuehue..u nid conditioning.. =p 4th pic: ahhh..piZZa boy..wad can i say 2 myself?i'v nvr dated any guy who worked in dis kind of thgs b4..Mc/KFC/Long John...only mayb Azri la..2wards d end he worked at Starbucks.Winn looked like he put powder in his face..he looks clean though..juST bath?abt 2go 2work.Mr Ahsurin here looks sloopy seh..i dun like sloppy ppl..rugged & sloopy different me.& also..he look as if he retarded :x oops..sorry babes nt meaning ur face..but m juST focusing on ur left hand..wad r u doin? ur hand look as if u got stroke or sumthg lol.hmmm wad else?u dun look as if ur 174cm 2 me seh? u look...taller i tink? ayb cos ur thin la..so look taller..i duno. 5th pic:hmm..lucky no.5 huh? as usual d uniform pic always stands out.at first i was lookin on d right side..saw dis guy..den m like..hmm..u look abit diff..den i look at al 3 guys den i saw Winn!haha..he's on left la.hmmm..wad can i say abt dis 1?Winn look like...a "girl"..reli i duno he just resemble 1.looks cina..bt i like dis pic cos he looks all prim & proper.d only guy holding d "cap" properly.he look as if he put blusher..oily face anot?hmm..he dun look any bigger den d other pics i tink..looking & looking at dis pic i tink m as tall as d guy on d right,his shoulder is abt almoSt 10cm shorter den Winn's mayb la..he's abt my height..den i jS imagine hw "short" i'd look if i stood beside Winn.. 6th pic:haha... dun tel me dis cina looking boy is Winn? lol..cute ah..knowin he's mly i'd probably tink dis kid is malaysian..haha.ANyway lousy book he's "reading" it says in d front page--- A B C den N-Z ?? isnt supose 2b A-Z?? lol..anyway cute boy..mayb his kid wil also b as fair..haha... Overall..i looked at d pics 4 almoSt 2hrs..juSt looking at each pic..(minus d kid la,every nw & den only)..i juST wana get use 2 his face u noe..cos i reli feel like i duno him/nvr seen him b4 in my life..so yeh..i cant say he looks ugly cos he's not..but he definitely is nt d best looking guy iv known.wel dis pics ar reli clear so i roughly know how he looks like in real life bt m sure he will still look different in real life sumhw..right?lol..wel dat day will..we'l see.wanted 2 sms HAsri 2let Winn noe iv got d pics bt..i dun wana disturb Hasri..nt Winn's hp. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. :: Cyrene:: felt bad.. Monday, February 2, 2004 @ 11:00 p.m. ok..here's a little preview of wad happen 2 day.after English class Kat,me & Cara went 2d cafeteria. Tony was there & d place was crowded so Kat say let's sit with him..so we went to dat table talked alittle den i end up teachin Tony some math prob cos he asked me.He was sittin on my left..so ok..i was writing/teaching him & we were sitting quite close.i din tink abt anythg at first cos i was just reli tinkin abt teaching him but aft awhile i tink his right leg was close 2my left leg den den i actually felt so bad...i juSt acted normal & sit back at an acceptable distance-no body parts close/touching.i felt so bad siak inside haha..as if i cheated on Winn,he just left 4 Thailand some more..anyway aft dat i went 2 chem class real quick. After class d "hitam" guy followed me to d com lab.i mean we din walk der 2gether but he kinda knew i was going der.bla bla bla i sat down at d computer den der was no space beside me so he sat a seat away frm me on my right.I was doing my own thg when mua fren Asia arrive(i always meet her der aft cls-standard).so she s=came & asked 4 my help again on her eng work(she always last min).her mini essay topic was "wad is a hero?"..i was not in d mood 2 tink & without tinkin i asked d guy beside me on my right wad a hero was to him.So ya he's a black guy(name Jon-jon)..he answered & laff also.i said its not 4me & m just helping a fren.den eventually Asia left 4 her class leaving me alone der.Somehw me & Jon-jon started talking every nw & den.he was doing some project thgy while i was just doin my own thg also.bt yeh we did tok abit here & der..eventually got 2 noe his name & dat he's a Leo/Virgo(he gave me a low ^5 cos we'r d same sign-Virgo)..he said he's majoring Mass Com,he wana be a Football Coach.he plays football too he said(American Football).he's pretty nice..frendly..nt cheeky at all,bt i nvr see him arnd in my whole schooling life here seh?lol..he said he transfer fr some other sch so yah.By dis tyme that "hitam" guy sat outside d com room alredi..he reading his stuff,sat alone.when i wana leave alredi i just said sumthg like bye so jus nt 2b rude den he said "u wan me to walk u out?" den m like "HUH? -laffing- NO,no,no..no need.." den i walked off.so of course he followed den i din wana make him feel like m running away fr him so i said i hav 2 rush cos m late(wana fetch my sis fr sch) so yeh i walked in front him den when we'r almost near d car park he said "ok see u arnd.." den i replied "ya k." kaoz..??dun tell me dis guy lyk me..errr?? i felt overall bad seh..in 1 day talk 2 3guys..m i wrong?or m i over reacting?honest 2 god i dun feel anythg seh..just frens..if i wasnt attached to Winn i wun care bt i duno i feel bad....m sorry if dis wil hurt u in any way babes... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: soo sweet. . . Monday, February 2, 2004 @ 02:00 p.m. OMG!!..i cant believe Winn just put/made that poem in here 4me?? & why? & how?..so....romAntic?? haha..i duno wad 2 say but im feeling a little sad & happy as well.He just left for Thailand this am for me.the poem is just sweet of him...i nvr ever thought he would do such a "corny-romantic" thing 4 me.haha..he always say he's not romantic,not gd with all dis thgs but i guess he surprise not only me but himself huh?So sweet of him..his effort reli touch me.is dis a change i see? or he does have dis "soft" side in him?lol..nvr expect dat frm him so..yeh kinda interesting & xciting.THanks babes.. Now m in sch..aft chem class went straight here,com lab. M sitting beside this cute black guy haha..his name is Jonathan Craig (Jon-Jon) as so he said his nick name was..haha.he's alright-frendly and chatty.&.not so black la,bt stil blACK.u noe i reli got a feeling dat Ogedi guy likes me seh??he follows me 2 com lab but ya la..i do my own work den i tink he paiseh to disturb me.he's doing his work at a table now while m in d computer room/area.Oh wel..just so long as m not giving out wrong signals-i hope?!! M feeling a little hungry now..i shld probably go home and eat huh?Haizz..cant get WInn of my mind seh.juST now at about 7:30am i woke up & its 11:30pm in SG,he's probably on his way or already at d airport.How i wish i could accompany him..so sad,he alone..i wanted 2 talk 2 him but he cant bring his phone along la so ya its k..eh dat Jon-jon just left for class Hmm..today..dis am i tink i reli surprise myself.how?by saying i love u 2Winn..many times.m actually nt like dat & when i do i also feel reli shy haha..wel ya i did feel shy but aft a few times i juST kinda felt it u noe, like i dun care la paiseh anot..i feel sad he's gona leave me,although just 4a few weeks but,its lyk a LONG tym 4me.& i realise dat i cannot not have him arnd.i want him arnd all d tym,to tekcare of me,b everythg 2 me..i noe m sounding stoopid ah?lol..m always saying dat i can tekcare of myself but i duno,i jus love having him arnd,being d man.. Hmm..m juST gona relax 4nw i guess..no use crying (so far mua tears drop only once,4awhile yesterday while on d ph wit him..din wan him 2hear) so ya..m strong & can handle it,its only a few wks..ryte?but m sure to reli MIss him..i started to miss him d min we hang up d phone.. iL juSt keep myself BZ 4nw..my hands ar tingling nw..haiz..hmmm..i hoPE he's resting nw,he shld b in thailand alredi. . :Muachhhh! gd nyte babes...Love you:. . .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. : winn: Happy 4th Annivesary Monday, February 2, 2004 @ 04:31 p.m. Im writing this poem 4 my beloved CYRENE DEE. There isn't a scent in the world more delicious than yours. I'm not talking about a fragrance you buy in the bottle (although i could bottle yours) I'm talking about the scent of your bare skin, or that place where your hairline meets the back of your neck. Oh,what it does to me! It goes to my head and to my heart. It travels right through me down to my bones and gets in my blood And it happened the minute we met. On subconcious level, something about you excited me and comforted me at the same time, made my body and my brain go yes,yes,yes. And i knew instantly we were meant to be together I guess that's what they mean by chemistry. When we're together, it's pretty powerfulstuff. And when we're apart and i catch a trace of you on a pillow or on something you've worn, I can't resist inhaling deep breaths of you, because whether you're with me or not, your effect on me is profound..... and forever. i hope u like it...... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: ~~today's stuff & nothing Friday, January 30, 2004 @ 11:03 p.m. well let's see now..i planned to go to sch early 2day bcos my essay draft 2 was not done but after bathing i jus decided to stay hm & finish it up..i was late for abt 15mins i guess?but it was ok.bcos i was late i had no peer review partner,anyway if i wasnt i tink iL b "alone" also cos there is only 3 of us (kat/cara/me) so some1 has 2 pair up with somebody else.2day its me.so ok i got paired up wit dis guy name Derek..short/fair/clean face guy.look harmless enuf.anyway he had a fren/partner but she wasnt der so ya we got paired up.bla bla bla class went on & again m d guinea pig.the teacher used my partner's essay 2 explain wad 2do to our partner's essay(review) & she wld call out my name saying "Cyrene are you listening? can u see what m doing here..all of you shld bla bla bla..." If dats not embarrasing then i duno wad else is..? Previous class meeting i was late so she asked "gd morn..wad is ur name?" & den asked d cls "how many of u noe Cyrene??" siak paiseh seh...den ltr, i answered a rite qn & she asked me to stand up & say d ans bla bla bla...shezzz. Always picking on me..she hate me or what? but she doesnt pay me alot of attention aft dat..jus using me/me name as a guinea pig. bah!wel ders dis guy-a red hair(orange)like Archie(comic character)..ah,he got 2 review my paper haha.. he looks like d skater/surfer hair a bit long-fly away kind..haha cute la..not in a handsome way jus d way he talk haha..he called out my name cos he duno who's paper he was reviewing "Cyrene Dee?" pluS he looks frendly nt d typical snooby white guys..i duno,its just d LOOK..anyway i dun quite remember his face alredi???? only his hair..hmm,i dun even rem seeing him in cls.m just plain ignorant la i guess.dun cAre & dun wana noe. Hmmm...after Chem cls 2day i went straight to the com lab..waited 4 Asia.we usually meet up der every mon/wed/fridays at d same tym-aft cls.she came in a bit late though & by d tym she came Ogedi decided to sit beside me at d com lab.he din bother me 2much though..i was BZ doin stuff online..readin & sending mails.i duno i jus din tink Winn wld msg me cos its late der in S'pore so i jus din tink abt it.& anyway he din make plans wit me-i wun xpect him to..he's probably aslp-tired by d tym i get out of cls so i guess he too wana rest.Asia decided dat we go out 2 d mall or sumthg-hang out.I tink dat Ogedi wanted 2 follow too but haha..we left him der.accompanied Asia 2buy birthday present 4dis guy.went arnd & arnd,along d way i felt car sick alredi+headache & all dat crap so i wasnt feeling too well.Damn!just rem.shld hav bought dat spaghetti top i tried......dat real green top reli make my skin look fairer in a brown/tan way la..haha..pluS d boobs area is laced so..haha niceeee..haizz.Aftr d whole thg we both rushed to my sis sch 2 fetch her den she drove us back 2 sch so i cld get my car.felt sick al d way hm man.. Winn shld still b aslp cos he hasnt reply me or mayb he's BZ i duno..he's leaving in a few days tym & i jus cant help feelin lyk we'v grown apart jus bcos of d simple fact dat we haven been spending enuf tym "2gether"..m not happy abt it but wad can i do???i can only wait.but its ok,i usually tek it out by staying in sch more,'4gettin' 2 check my hp and doing other thgs..anythg 2 kip my mind of him.i duno y m even trying 2 get him off my mine when al i want is him 2 b der.i tink i js cant xcept it when i get 2noe he's too bz 4me so i pretend 2b d 1 being BZ..or..i duno..b4 even though m hella BZ il stil b der but now..m more reluctant cos iv learn sum stuff along d way.y shld i sacrifice so much when i dun get d same treatment?by doing so m only making thgs hard 4myself..m i??& anyway...al those tym iv been der,its nt dat i dun hav no frens or m nt bz..ha ha..i make d tym 2b der cos i wan to.nw..i jus feel like,if m bz & he catches me at a bz tym den jus too bad..since he likes2come & find me whenever it is convenient 4him..i cant b der as & when he wants me 2b der.although it kinda hurts when i dun get 2b wit him cos he does dat..i duno i jus..cant do much..jus sad la.i mean hw can i feel happy when i only got 2 chat or talk 2 him 4 a few mins? & its not even a decent cht/tok.i want so much 4him 2 b der,to make plans wit me when 2cht/tok so dat we both noe who is free at when but..i duno..nothing is happening yet.iL jus hav 2 see den hw he fixes thgs.i can only do/say so much. haizz..like now..we cld b chattin but he's aslp so..i guess i hav 2wait 4him 2get up..i dun mind waiting but dis is wad m talking abt..dis is d tym where we'r actually both free..by d tym he wakes up i tink il b aslp 7 its going 2 b d same thg "if ur aslp den its ok..or we cht/tok next tym.."..or mayb he's made plans 2go out so..we wun b able 2 chat til when-til m done wit my class? by dat tym its late 4him,& he'l probably b tired..& i jus cant help feeling dat he's sleepy & i duno..i want him 2 rest but at d same tym i want him der..i duno..u cant reli hav sum1 "there" if dat person is like half way 2 dreAM land, half beat or sumthg ryte? Lame or not i duno but..its seems like im crying out for attention-from him but..haizzz i duno la.he's gona go in a few days tym & i dun tink we hav much tym 2 "bond" back b4 he goes..a mth is a LONG tym................ i dowan him 2 go seh.. :~( haizz i just want him back...4us 2b al gd again .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. :: "Everytime I close my eyes" :: Thursday, January 29, 2004 @ 10:58 p.m. Listen girl I don't know where to start But every word I say comes straight from the heart I've been so wrong I never meant to hurt you Oh girl, I'm sorry For what I put you through>br> Girl I'd do anything For one more chance (one more chance) Cuz I want you back again (want you back) Cuz everytime I close my eyes I see your face and I wonder When you close your eyes Do you think about me? Now I realize I want you girl and no other Everytime I close my eyes You're all that I see You and I shared a life together Each other, was all we'd ever need (all we'd ever need) I thought you would stay with me forever But I took for granted The love you gave to me I i'll keep on tryin' (keep on tryin') 'Til the end ('til the end) Baby I need you back with me again (I need you back) And girl I'm goin' out of my mind I miss you so much I don't know what to do (what to do) Please say it's just a matter of time Until I feel your touch Until you let me come back to you..I'm in love with you I think about you girl everynight I'm in love and it feels so right I never meant to hurt you or cause you pain I was just caught up in that lying game But now those days are over I've changed my ways And now I'm countin' the minutes I'm countin' the days Until you let me come back Until you let me start To find a new way to get back into your heart Girl I'd do anything for one more chance (one more chance) Cuz I want you I want you back again (I want you back) .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: feeling lyk a teacher Monday, January 26, 2004 @ 12:59 p.m. heLuuuu! yUp,m in d sch com lab again,using the sch's facilities(internet).FInished Chem class..i only had Chem class for 1 hr 2day which is a gd & a bad thg. The bad thg is that m wasting my time going there coz its freakin boring & the teacher dont seem to "know" how to teach.He's a kind teacher I believe but he's not too good when it comes to teaching the class,he usually has to think for moment b4 he knows what he's going to write. The gd thg abt it is that at least i get 2 stay home longer to chat with Winn and the class is not that long anyway..jus 1 hr. Me & Winn..hmm yeh.. we had that BIG issue few days ago.I wun call an arguement cos WE werent arguing jus me saying out stuff that i feel..though we kinda "sounded" as if we were "fighting" at one point online cos m so frustrated and upset i just felt like kicking him right there & den. but ya..he said he knows bla bla bla.. i dun reli rem much wad he said cos 4 al i noe he din say anythg "big" or "strong" enuff to "kill" the situation..but it did calm down anyway-or at least i did.i jus duno wad 2 say-feel.we're stil getting to know each other so i tink der's room for improvements & dats wad m doing.I hope he too open to me/tok to me/tell me his views when he needs to.M all ears... After that BIG 'issue' i kinda feel alittle worn out-been feeling tired,not reli feelin the same vibes as b4...mayb i jus need to re-charge somehow.i also feel like iv lost him somewhere during that whole period between the time i 1st told him the prob & it carried on...til jus recently when i mention it 2him again.Im reli not trying 2 pick a fight or point a finger-i jus wana make thgs better cos if -i- dun feel too gd abt whats happening & i choose to just keep quiet abt it..i noe myself,very soon m gona xplode & i duno.. i might jus "poof" go.but no..i try 2 talk to him again & i hope he understands wad m trying to say & what i want this relationship to achieve. Winn is going off to thailand soon &..iv been feeling alittle anxious since abt 2days ago?I know he's gona go off soon & that kinda saddens me cos I duno who il turn to for anythg if he's not arnd.Winn has been a part of my life ever since we got together.When i get up in d morning i tink of him..all day-whole day he's in my mind,we sms-jus kip in contact..at nyte sometymes we tok on the fon or my early am we'l chat.OUt of all the pipol i am arnd with he is the only person i wana tok 2 and want to have arnd constantly.M i being too over abt dis? lol..lame huh?jus too bad my frens are not here & dat m not close to my parents/relatives & dat my BF doesnt go to the same sch or stays nearby me.I jus hope he knows that iL b missing him despite wadever that had jus happened..& anyway we dint quarrel abt anythg,jus a tok on hw to b alittle more understanding and making thgs better/work for the both of us.setting priorities right & knowing wad both of us want in this relationship..i'l miss him...m even missing him while m typing abt him now m hungry..i tink m gona go home & grab a bite den do my chemistry??how abt my math huh?i duno if i hav 2 do anythg on that?? gosh m so stress or isit jus me?lol..i too hav 2 set my priorities ryte man..Winn Winn Winn je..at least if he's arnd he's der 2 remind me,help & encourage me whenever i needed any push in anythg.Jus sad la he's not going to be here dis few wks-d tym where m jus adjusting to al d new thgs arnd me.I reli appreciate everthg he's done-being almost al that he can be to me. ya..m hungry better go..do chem at home..here v cold la..nak kencing also..lol..nak beli muffin seh..miss it.Yum yum yum... Kaoz...i jus remember i chatted wit Winn 2day & sent him that stoopid picture of me errm in dat state..its not very nice or wad la..jus my plain body-round & fat haha..gotta get in shape man..getting heavier..Ashik MAKan je..i hope he dun puke or find it ugly or anythg la..jus hoping..m sure he's seen better ones..Ahhhh! zip it..dun wana tok abt it la..cRAzy seh gib him dat pic?now i feel silly..MAlu seh..haiz..k la..d muffins ar calling me..eh no i reli need to pee 1st haha..tata .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. :winn : want her to trust me : Sunday, January 25, 2004 @ 06:23 a.m. i feel sad today cause i had a huge argument wif cyrene even though we sort it out kinda of,i still feel she does nt feel de same way abt me b4.i think she's a bit tired of me behavin like dis puttin her in de last slot nt givin her priority.i juz dunno huw to make her blieve dat i still care 4 her and i still feel the same way abt her if nt more no less.i mean its my fault anyway i shud take de consequences bt huw can i show her dat?i want her to feel that she is very important to me.shes so much diffren frm wat i had wif other girls.she has dat shine dat i cant xplain bt feel.when i say i luv her she says dat i dont really luv her bt juz feel at de moment only.watever i say to her is all so true frm my heart.if she cud only see it dat im nt lyin.she says dat all guys ar de same includin me.i heard dis b4 wif my X gf and after she told me dat shes gone.left me in a ditch.i wanna save my relationship wif cyrene.shes totally diffren and i noe i can go far wif her.i hav dis feelin and i can see us there.i wanna go far wif her i do.i cant blieve i felt 4 some1 so deep b4.i feel embarass wantin her more than she will ever know.her name always linger in my head.tanx for being patient wif me dear CYRENE DEE CATHERENE MADELOZO NACNAC. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: in sch..alone Friday, January 30, 2004 @ 12:27 p.m. oh yesh..been quite long since i last came here.M in sch now anyway..alone,Kat & Cara went off earlier after Eng class.After dat i had Chem & its over..i duno y but i jus came here to d com lab to check my email-i hav to clear MOST of them cos I'm using it for sch i tink my eng t'cher emailed us all but hers din came thru cos mine was fuLL to d mAx,as usual. Anyway its almost 12:30PM... Quite a few thgs hav been happening actually,one thg is abt my futute schoolin.Iv got a letter frm dis Catholic College wanting me to join them soon or sumthg,if m not wrong its d biggest Catholic College here in US & its only 4 females??R they sure?lol...cant imagine dat & iv NVR heard an ALL girls college??mayb i read it wrong?wadever.Then jus yesterday i received dis "ARMY" recruiting thg-or some sort.Anyway its asking me to sign up & join them-study in their campus/camp with all d rest of the "army-orientated students"..it has a lot of benefits & its willing to pay for all of my schoolin tuition/fees.BUT....if i go in2 dat,its going 2 or mayb change my FUTURE..m not sure if ders a bond included in dat?Its an Army or isit US NAvy sch??all wearin uniform & stuff-they also get to train outside,jus like millitary sch i tink..?i duno seh..i nvr get to talk 2 anyone..like always-no one.weL..i guess its al up 2 me again huh..Sucks.. Hmmm...Abt me & Ahsurin...i duno sumthg is wrong & m determined to get it settled either to make it better or leave.I dun wana get stuck here, like dis..pls..I reli dun understand,m i d only person feeling that what m feeling is sumthg serious?REally disappointed & sad seh..I duno wad else to say now.Iv said wad i felt b4..& again jus earlier 2day. We'l c how its going to end up like..m not too happy or xcited to know wad he's gona say soon.M stressed..ha ha.. When we meet the right person to love when we're at the right place, at the right time. That's chance. When you meet someone you're attracted to, that's not a choice. That's chance. Being caught up in a moment (and there's a lot of couples who get together bec. of this) is not a choice, that's also chance. The difference is, what happens afterward? When will you take that infatuation, that crush, that mind-blowing attraction to the next level? That's when all sanity goes back, you sit down and then contemplate whether you want to make this into a concrete relationship or just a fling. If you decide to love the person, even with his faults, that's not chance. That's choice. When you choose to be with a person no matter what, that's choice. Even if you know there are many people out there who are more attractive, smarter, and richer than your mate, and yet, you decide to love your mate just the same, that's choice. Infatuation, crushes, attraction comes to us by chance. But true love that last is truly a choice. A choice that we make. Regarding soulmates, there's a beautiful movie quote that I believe is so true about this--"Fate brings you together, but it's still up to you to make it happen." I do believe that soulmates do exist. That there is truly someone made for you. But it's still up to you to make the choice if you're going to do something about it or not. We may meet our soulmates by chance, but loving and staying with our soulmate is still a choice we have to make. " You can only see the true colors of a human if you taste its heart. Kinda lost now..haizz..i shldnt make myself be so uptight abt dis shld i?if im not den its gona b d same as i dun care anymore..i duno..m gona go delete al dat freakin emails & get out of here la..(as if i got sumthg to do at home.jus work work work..d only constant thg waiting for me.... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. : winn : Jalan Kayu Friday, January 23, 2004 @ 03:08 a.m. Hi!! i juz came back frm jln kayu ate prata and drink teh tarik.my fren drivin so im up 4 it if nt ride bike tired its cold anyway.yup when there remembered my sweetie.she use to stay there b4 so tot of her.huw wud it b like if she was here must b nice.i cud fetch her and eat wif my frens.too bad though bt its ok next time if shes arnd can bring her.she did sms me also when i was eatin.i was surprise also she called me usually she wud sms me 1st whether im free or nt bt ya its nice. last nite or last 2 days she said sumtin i nvr tot she wud say....mayb nt say bt type out.i ask her wether she luv me? and she said YES.hmmm......felt nice its nt evryday u can hear she type dis.i hope 1 day 2 hear her say it 2 me.i think shes goin to sch nw i sms her she say she goin 2 bank to draw money buy books.its comin to 6 mths nw dat me and Cyrene has been share dis wonderful feelin together.its half a year wahhh...cant blieve we goin dis far nt bad.hope 2 go far......dats all frm me nw i'll write sn.Sorie dear i gt no time to write in here. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: 1st "P.E." day Saturday, January 17, 2004 @ 02:47 p.m. As usual was talkin to Winn on d phone til abt 1-2AM dis morn den went to rest.Earlier yesterday nyte reli nt feeling well.Cant be bothered much abt d nonsense going on but ya-really nt feeling too gd.Migraine,tummy ache & i jus felt so cold. Anyway wokE up EARLY abt 6am(set d alarm) den i stayed in bed-took a nap again til 6:15AM(my hp alarm beep).Wahh..stil so dark & early.dun tel me 4d next 5mths its gona b dis way?okok..so i got ready & i left quite late at abt 6:50am cos i cldnt find my shoes!So i had 2 drive faster cos cls starts at 7AM.KICKBOXING CLASS..lol REached there juS in tyme-no traffic,i was der by 6:59,i tink.so yeh i wasnt late bcos everybOdy was stil waiting 4 d instructor 2arrive.She was late like 5mins or so?It was freezing outside d gym room. I thought the 1st day was just gona b simple but we ended up moving arnd alot.Not 4gettin dat 1.6miles run.My 1st thought was-DAMN!we'r gona run outside-cold temp-cold air 2 breathe.I noe its gona hurt. So all of us got outside & it was freezing.lol.Its not even funny.My fingers felt like they'r gona drop off pr sumthg & it hurts too.My plan was jus to go easy-not 2 run jus jog or slow jog cos i havent been running so i tot jus go easy. 1ST round:ouCH!wadda hell is wrong wit my ankle?felt like my right ankle got twisted or sumthg lol.so jus went slow.it hurts so i was gona stop but tahan 4while cos mayb its juS my joint at d ankle,mayb it's not "warmed-up" yet & yeh it eventually went off but dat spoiled d pace...half way thru my rounds i felt like my neck,jus below my ears r going to xplode!it hurts like hell seh.i cant teli breathe also.. haha it seems too difficult 2 breath in cold air.mAkes my whole air pipe freeze up.Wanted to jus gib up & walk..lol but its ok i said dumb stuff like-eh..ur a sports person seh cannot b at dis level/u use 2run some more,al xcuses/ur not even running-jus jogging so better not stop..bla³. WeLL yeh..i made it 3mins b4 d time elocated 2 al of us.But 2 tink abt it-convert d distance 2 km(2.7km) my timing wasnt fantastic seh.The timing was wad i got in sec 1..lol.I was upset & paiseh wit myself.. haha.itS okay..iL jus hav 2 work myself up.After i finish i tot i was going to suffocate seh.cant seem 2get d cold air in. After dat we measured ourselves:biceps,thight,waist,hip,abdomen.BMI+THR bla bla bla..no weighing scale thought so i duno hw FAT iv grown.I guess if i keep dis up i might jus go back 2how i was b4..stil FAT but better stamina & more energetic.Oh yesh i made a fren 2day..her name is oops..wad was it again?oh yesh Adrianna (too tough 2 rem huh?lol or mayb its jus me).juS said hi & intro,dats all cos she was beside me & d instructor jus kinda told every1 2 say hi 2 some1 new lol. After dat..went home & took a bath. I tink i got more sick cos i was coughin & u can hear d mucus jus making noise at my chess haha..yeh d cold hair did dat plus it left my windpipe sore/pain..too cold alredi.But d best thg was i got 2 chat wit my Winn..lol.I din xpect 2 b chattin wit him til v late but d chat was fun.REally enjoy his company although i tink i talked too much sometyms lol.he was suppose 2 slp early cos he had a soccer game at 9 wit his dirtbike frens but he got home late fr helping his fren bakar satay at his fren's stall.lol.SATAY BOY.gona hav 2 wake him up ltr. anyway i gotta go fetch my sis at d bart(train)station..she msg me alredi..tata .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: not feeling too gd Friday, January 16, 2004 @ 05:43 p.m. i tink m gona log out soon.been online since..i came back frm sch.just surfing d net-listening to songs.plan to change d look of dis pitas-hOpefully man.goNa b BZ soon so i duno.Winn doesnt hav d tyme 2add entry let alOne do anythg 2it so i guESS i hav 2 do it on my own. My headaches kinda coming in.feelin v cold nw.wana lie down.tummy hurts.tell u abt mt "1st" day of sch ltr or tmr. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene: Back 2 skoLa Friday, January 16, 2004 @ 08:58 a.m. hey yuH.. m gettin ready 2 chAnge.kinda sad i cant chat/tok 2 Winn..i wanted 2 tok 2him so much b4 i stArt sch-my furst day of sch.yeh i noE,its nothg BIG or MAJOR but its kinda impt 2me..& it doesnt need 2b a "special" day 2 want him arnd ryte?He's almost everthg 2 me. itS been so long since i lASt wrote an entry,thnks 2 myself..haha,my com seems 2b working pUuurfeectly!so..yUh i shld b able 2come in hir & "pouR" my shet/crAp/gd & bad happenings more often nw. Well, i gueSS i better go & chAnge & eat!!duno y i dun hav appetite these days & so in d middle of d nyte mua stomach growling lol.okok bla bla bla non-stop-hw can ppl stand me?i duno.okok gotta go... 2nd semEster of coLlege hir i COMeeeeeeee...... =p .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: a little frustrated Thursday, January 8, 2004 @ 09:41 p.m. okok yeh i noe itS been a long tyme since i laSt wrote an entry,actually i wrote a really long-meaningful entry d other day & my com jus HAD 2 hang jus b4 i click d DONE button!i was so furious/frustrated..damn.i reli hav 2 go & find dat warranty thgy 4my com-SOON,& get it fixed.Cant reli rem wud i wrote-i typed too many stuff but iL juSt type wadever dat comes 2 my mind now. I juSt had a talk wit CArissa(CAra) & KAtrina(KAt) on d fone,but i spent moRE tyme on d fone wit KAt.Anyway we hav lyk abt 1wk b4 our class starts & we 3 had not gone out yet 2gather since d last day of ouR sch-or sumthg lyke dat.We'v not bought our books yet as well..so many thgs to do but none done heehee. Ever since Winn's been out in d jungle i havent gone in d IRC 2 chat..not reli interested nemore..juSt wana chat wit him.I duno y reli..b4 when i was wit d other guy,i din feel lyk dis.I use 2 chat wit so many other ppl-guys but now,i juSt reli wana chat wit no 1 but Winn.mAyb its my own way of being "faithful" in a way haha i duno but itS nothing reli,i juSt dun feel like going in 2 chat knowin Winn's not gona b der. Counting 2day-iv not spoken 2 WInn 4 like 3full days.Thank god 2 technology at least we stil get 2 sms each other den & der.I reli dun mind if he doesnt respond-i noe he's BZ & tired..mua pooR baby.heehee.it kinda feel reli nice knowing ur man is out der doing sumthg reli ermmm.. "manly" & tough?? HAHA... I love it when Winn makes me feel reli comfortable & sOme way "protected",like he wun let anythg bad happen 2me,like he wil tkcare of me or sumthg..itS just feels so gd =) hehe..mayb m juSt being silly-feeling like a little girl or dreamin like some sort of a "princess" which m totally-not.I tink wad m tryin 2 say dat having some1 special do have its positives points especially when you reli like d person/guy. Winn's out in d jungle for some sort of mission-training & i do miss him yes,but m not too dramatic abt it.I mean i miSS him but not to d point where i feel like crying or anythg.m juST cool wit it.I stil get 2 sms him & m ok wit dat.But i reli miss his company,his soft spoken voice,his jokes,his cerita,he sweet talkin me(though i dun reli buy dem =p..but if its real den we'r gettin der..) M reli happy he's in my life ryte now.I worry abt d future yes but til den..m juSt gona enjoy every min/hr/day/mths & if possible d years ahead of us both.M hoping,hoping dat sumthg gd wil come out of di relationship. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: juS a little conFuse Saturday, January 3, 2004 @ 05:04 p.m. almost 5PM(US tyme)..dats 9AM SG.i went off frm irc 4 abt 10mins only & winn fell aslp i guess.no need 4me 2get all upset ryte,obviously he's tired..came back late.i wun make thgs diff 4him,i alredi said dat. Abt d religion thg..itS jus unfair.i feel like d pressure is all on me.its always wad "i" tink abt it..wad "i" want.."my" decision.."i" personally duno wad2 tink/do seh..crAp..ders so many mly/muslim girls out der whu dun even care abt hw dey r,wad dey do & their religion & dey'r not even doing half of wad i'm xpected to b/to do IF i'm 2b wit a muslim guy..itS jus nt fair.nothing wil change mua feelins 4a person jus bcos of dis "stuff",its not even related to hw i feel 4d guy..m juS haizz i dun feel like i can do anythg seh.face it al by myself.i might just gib up if i feel like d whole world is just making thgs harder & harder 4me....tsk tsk,i duno la.weak me. I shldnt make myself suffer la all d tyme..sumtymes i just hav 2 change hw i tink abt stuff i guess 2tek d "load" off..ppl hav their own life &..me being dis & dat is not gona change anythg ryte?make thg better..jus make thgs worst i tink.i dun even noe y i bother... *shakes mua head.juS sad... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: new year's day Thursday, January 1, 2004 @ 12:43 p.m. i juSt got out of irc..chatted 4 abt 3more hrs aft Winn logged out.at first very bored..den i went 2 hendrix check if mua frens were online.Jason & Fairuz was der,but chatted wit Jason more,gueSS he was bored too.chatted on & on & on.told mua his bday on JUne 8 also-as usual d same qn al d tyme 'when m i coming back?'.haha,he wants me 2 buy him shoes frm here b4 i get back.well after dat i saw dis person's nick dj_deepak..i use 2 hav a fren name deepak so i juSt tried mua luck & called out in d main "deepak prashad"..turned out 2b my sch fren.so den we chatted & chatted,jus so xcited 2 noe hw an old fren was doin.he's does djs now & doin a pvt diploma,said he missed d registration 4 poly(lame xcuse haha) anyway saw his face,looking gd haha.. at least no more lookin like a small boy.haaa..talked abt ald tyme,it was fun la..missed it al..suddenly m feel sad.. m having a bad headache now.pls dun let it b mua migraine..hurts seh.muSt b those scented candles..or dis computer screen.m hUngry too..wel it is lunch tyme so..i better go. m afraid winn cant get in poly.i so much want him 2futher his studies,jus hope & pray he makes it,if he doesnt he better hav a gd plan on how he wana go on wit his life aft army.lyke always,cant get enuf of him..miSS him .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. New Year With You Thursday, January 1, 2004 @ 03:11 a.m. New years here 2004,im 23 dis year OMG im old.i juz gt back frm late supper with my frens.i mis my girl.what is she doin nw,i mis her so much nw.haiz...cant get enough of her.everytime i wrote sumtin here i always make a point to put her picture infront of me.funny it gives me motivation. huw am i to say this? she has been gd to me all dis while.shes nt demanding bt shes a bit stubborn.lke her very much,shes very cute,i like the way she smile very sweet,i like her giggles,i like it even when shes angry very cute.im glad that i met her.its jus sumtin abt her dat attracts me. Abt meetin her im very xcited.she told me that she comin back bt nt s'pore.its at philiphines bt its ok though maybe i cud go there.so far we've been chatin and tokin on the phone most of the time.alls gd and nice.i mean we hav our misunderstandin bt we tok abt it try to solve it dats gd.i like it de way we tok abt things juz abt anythin and everything its juz so nice.we nvr fight bt we juz argue abt right and wrong of what we did.we always tok abt stuff gd or bad.at de same time we're learning abt each other Everyday i wonder when am i gonna meet her?is she gonna like me?so far phone conversation is ok.the last thing for us is to meet dats all.if we meet everything goes well i guess shes gonna be the one.i hope......... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: mums plAce Tuesday, December 30, 2003 @ 03:44 p.m. hey ya..its been a long tyme since i last added an entry.m suppose 2change d layout/bkgrnd of dis pitas thgy but mua sis kip on buggin me-dey wana use d com too.l8r when i get back home its gona b diff 2try 2 do anything online cos dat damn com at homE is DEAD!spoil ah..Anyway i hope 2b able 2 do "some" chAnges b4 i go back 2 d other hoUse..missing Winn.. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: X'mas day Thursday, December 25, 2003 @ 06:28 p.m. hey yeh..itS been a long tyme since i last wrote an entry. haiz juSt a "bad" day earlier today.. me & winn had a ... i dun even noe wad it is called. sheezz, i dun understand wad he wants from me or wad he wants to happen. I juSt duno wad to say ryte now. Anyway,Winn msg me early 2day,he asked me to call his hp but.. i din call him back.i din get d msg at d tyme he msged me.i off mua fon.i juSt didnt noe how to react to hiM. i hav 2go now..to my aunts place.. iL come back lator,d com seems to b "working" but for how long,i dun0. not sure if i got MIRC alredi but at least i stil hav MSN..at least now i got sumthg 2 get myself "busy" wit.. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. :winn: Late Entry Sunday, December 21, 2003 @ 05:53 p.m. Hey there.its been a while since Cyrene and I went to this a place.if it was a book it would b dusty.on behalf of her i wpould like to say her comp spoilt so need to reconstruct so hav to wait 4 her to comeback so i decided to write first its ours wat? During the week b4 we had a very deep talk on wats gonna happen in the near future for both of us.We talk abt where we would live? wat are we gonna do? 2 me so far so gd. we had all de ans i mean most of it.it easy for us to say things but to do it is a whole new thing.......theres so many hurdles and barrier confrontin us each day....dunno whether i can handle the exaustion its very hard i agree bt i wanna try.....i juz hopin dat i will do a gd job.y is everythin so nice and yet we cant enjoy it fully.......... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. :winn: scared Sunday, December 14, 2003 @ 11:03 p.m. today i sms my fav girl Cyrene, i wanted so much to talk to her i miss her so much,i had a bad argument with her bcause of wat i said......i nvr sms her yesterday the whole day cause i was feelin little nausea.i had a bad headache the whole day.i had flu fever.she was upset that i didn't sms her the whole day.im sorie for that.i did not mean to make her worry.i was just damm sick dats all.i know its my fault.i admit its my fault.bt the most stupidest thing i had say to her was to leave me... How stupid was that?i already had a hard time chasin her and i just want to leave like dat.Sometimes i do not think when i say things....we had a long talk abt wat i say bt i think its gonna change somethings btween us, i think dat she wont feel the same way she felt abt me.Haizz.....it was a stoopid mistake....i nvr meant it dat way....i nvr want to leave her i only want the best for her.Nw im so scared that she will leave me.She gonna think that im playing with her feelings.i had nvr felt for someone like this before so pure....shes the best shes so sweet,nice the more i want her arnd.it feels nice havin her arnd.i adore her so much.she is always on my mind..........i hope this incidence wont b a barrier for us to expand our love for each other........im always missing u syg(CYRENE) .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: feel like peee-ing...huehuehue Saturday, December 20, 2003 @ 08:06 a.m. m kinda in a hurry..wana go peee.. huehue. My babeh is sick 2day..wad a coincident,whenever m "sick" he wil also get sick..hmm..r we connected? lol..HoPe he gets well soon. Jus added moRE cls fr next semester. Damn! d classes i want are closed-event d waiting list is unavailable..wad noW?? haiz.. gotta go figure out wad other classes i shld choose. Kz gotta go..going out wit Kat-Watch MOviee.. hehee.. Hopefully got tyme .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: finaLLy..!! Wednesday, December 10, 2003 @ 03:55 p.m. finally finals are over..my fingers are stil tired from writing my essay..tsk tsk.. so messy my writing!!HAd mAth test in d morn den BIo den now eng..alot of thinking & writing.Now m at d com lab with KatrinA & Cara.So happy we 3..lol surf net only..today juSt gona go home & ponder abt how badly i did..& of course regret..den juSt read thru some computer shet, tmr stil got com sci exam.. m sooo MiSS my Winn..=p i hoPE m able to chat/talk 2mua babeh 2nyte..miSS him soo much .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. :winn:feelin bad Tuesday, December 9, 2003 @ 10:40 p.m. hi its me again,to day had another misunderstandin with my dear cyrene,it was me again.haaizz....am i a jinx with girls...??i can nvr do anytin rite...am i rusty already.... anak melayu.com none of my bussiness seh.my chinese fren wanted to see the website and that causes de blow.i nvr even go and visit the website besides dats long time ago if she could see de date when its first done 090903. i nvr even visit it untill dat time when i check my yahoo mails there it was de email i jus click only to stop de front page frm puttin de no of unread emails dats all.... im also in de wrong nvr inform her b4 so i guess i deserve it.nw shes doin her bio and i couln't b there to release her stress im juz addin it.well, i sms her abt 4 times yet no respond.dunnolah.... im a bad bf dats sums up everythin i think she would b better off with someone else.i did notin bt hurt and hurt her.after readin her latest entry im so damn jealous nw.... or shouldn't i b.....she can hav anyone she wants and in any moment in time if she's bored with me or i cant make it i will let her go....there's a sayin dat if u learn to let it go u learn to love again and if it returns to u it's urs for de keepin.hehe bt so far all i've let go and notin returns........ .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: d police guys woooo... Monday, December 8, 2003 @ 05:16 p.m. oh yeh..during lunch i was eating alone,half way thru i saw Tony(dat Thai police guy whu is also a student here).I juSt pretend i didnt see him but after about 5mins he came & asked if he could sit with me.I was still eating & der was nobody at d table so i juST nod my head.We end up talking,he asking me abt d eng cls(he was in d same eng cls but he dropped it),how isit going now.Just talked.He said his next cls was at abt 7pm.I asked wad he intended to do den after eating,he said "Oh juSt mess with u til den." Wakaka.. anyway,after eating he accompanied me 2d computer lab cos he wanted to get his com project done & i wana do researchs.Then came came another of his police buddies(whu is also a student in d campus).This guy is mexican-well built,MANLY voice wakkaka..lol.Both of them are much older than me,dis yr 23 & obviously much bigger size/taller.Interviewed both of them,wana use their quotes 4my essay.They both stayed awhile & dat Tony jokingly asked me if i liked Javier(dat mexican guy's name). HAHA,obviously i laffed! He verY weLL know m attached (showed Tony d friendster & of course told him a little about Winn).ANyway,he said he could help hook me up with dat guy & i juSt laffed & said no need.lol..Anyhow, m here alone..better go home la..itS gettin cold didnt bring my jacket somemore. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: In Sch doin nothing Monday, December 8, 2003 @ 05:06 p.m. a LONG tyme since i laSt add an entry.wel 2day's kinda waste of tyme.Been sitting here infront of d com doing nothing.suppose 2b looking 4 researce for my essay papaer on weds but nothing productive dat i can find.Wel i visited all d emails i knew.Kinda not happy about sumthg i saw.y do he hav 2 be in der?For fun?make more frens?ha ha ha..he can make al d frens he wants juSt let me know-iL make dat happen without me having 2feel like dis.shld hav told me at least,better den i find out for myself.tsk tsk..m i being too over?cant blame me..m juST feeling wad m feeling-insecuRe.if itS nothing den y muSt he verify it?wadever la.Its not sumthg small-i can bet with u.wadever it is,it juSt strikes me dat mayb he's better off elsewhere la.. *confuSed* REad d olD stuff frm Azri..another shet..wadever.Duno if Winn read all of it, doesnt matter-he dun caRE.abit upset la..now going down alredi,start 2feel sad. . . . .i better go hOme & start with bio.Haizz...at least dis cuTe guy's in d picture 2day.. huehuehue =p .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: dun feel well Wednesday, December 3, 2003 @ 08:28 p.m. m having a tummy ache..earlier when i got back frm sch got a headache so i went ahead 2 rest (slp) for about 2hrs++ here i am not sure if i wana do my work. mY finals are nest week & i havent started revising or studyin.. things to do: 1)portfolio- intro 4 each section/cover page/essay review/conclusion for WHOLE portfolio. 2)math practice test/write formulas on paper. 3)read Handmaid's Tail (weekend). 4)BIO stuff. take mini-Test 9&10 by Sat!! 5)COm Sci ProJects by SAT??? things to do tonite: MATH Practice test/formulas. English Intro for each Section/ArrAnge papers in order/cover page!!! design... Shld b tired by den..i stiL wana chat/talk 2 Winn seh..hoW i wiSh i cld ask 4 his help..hAiz hmm...miSS him,like Always..even moRE each day..i betta go starT.feel like juS lying down 2sleep first?? dun feel gd haizz .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: juSt out frm bio Tuesday, December 2, 2003 @ 03:22 p.m. m at d compuTer lab now..Kat & me didnt bring our computer Books!cant do oUr compuTer proJects!tsk tsk..i tot i put in my bag alredi?4getfuL me..alamak..den now how?haiyah..i even thought of staying here tiL late seh but how now?mayb i go home den start on my portfolio?d intrOduction for each sections?Hmm...i can also do BIO chapt 9-Endocrine System..yesh dats it.tonite..mUSt work ah Cyrene. miSsing Winn..sad seh..duno he wiLLing to wait 4me anot..m feeling scared now scaRed he'l go..weL..if he hAs to go. he's gotta go..cant force him 2stay..m only a girl,der r many more out theRe.Winn's such a swEEt guy,he'l haV no PrOBLem finding a "good" one.. =( .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: pretty "hot & heavy" Monday, December 1, 2003 @ 11:20 a.m. huehuehue..ok so he got me horny bla bla bla..paiseh.ok iT was fun & funny..abit wierd & shy of course.haha if only itS real.wakaka.no doubt it was tempting man..he's veRy persuasive.Cant get enough of mua babeh.Muachhh!Too bad i Got sch..lol.anyway he's really sweet..i MIss him so much these pass few days. =) i Hope i had satisfy him =p m Soo craving for Winn.feel myself shivering huehuehue.now m hungry (for real now hehe).i betta go & get sumthg 2 bite.i stil hav 2 write my presentation.two hours 2do it.hAv 2 gib Winn a morning call also.. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: juS bacK from CHurch Sunday, November 30, 2003 @ 01:51 p.m. juSt got back frm church..m quiet happy..i finally got 2 chat wit Winn..yesh CHAT.havent spoken to him,miSS his voice..haiz.I felt so bad when i thought of wad happen yesterday.It was a sad day for mua baby.I was wrong..wrong shit/wrong tyme.I decided 2"make"/redesign d pic he gave me dat has all his old peeps inside.i pass it 2 him juSt now.. i duno if he liked it-it kinda made him more sad i guess, but its ok-itS just normal.If only i cld b der,i wan him 2 let it all out-i dun mind.he's human.guyS can cry too & i dun mind.i understand.i feel kinda silly cos i imagine & put myself in his shoes & i felt so sad mua tears started 2 drop! =p iSh...haiz, emotional lak. ha ha..den i felt sOOo bad.i hope he's not upset anymoRe.i really m Sorry.m Sad for him too.I jUs MISS WINN so MUCH i Guess..MUachh!! if only i cld.. i wiLL.. have 2 gib Winn a wake up call ltr 9:30AM SG tyme..return d car.better not fOrget.lol.i wana tAlk 2 him ltr... =) he's so sweet.. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: Hmmmm Saturday, November 29, 2003 @ 09:18 p.m. hmm..let c now.m sitting here with ma towel on,my hair stil wet.hahakz,juS wiped myself-bathe finish.like u noe,as xpected-d usual-d u noe wad ans=nvr. iv thought abt it..iT was a reli hard day for Winn yesterday,wit his fren being gone & everything-itS sad.i had a fav teacher & a fren whu passed away b4.but iv nvr attended their funeral.i guESs i was being unfair bringing my own shit in at d wrong tyme.Yeh,m wrong....i cant xpect him 2understand wad i feel or to noe wud iv gone thru pluS its a totally whOle different shit. i dun mean 2 compare him 2 d rest-if dats my main goal den i wld b single now & compare EVERYONE FIRST b4 i choose de ONE ryte?but i dun..im juSt screwed up.i cant help it if stuff dat reli hurt comes back, esp when it comes my way again.if only i cld turn back tyme.there's so many thgs i wana change-do.Winn shld b upset.i duno.he nvr msg me.i nvr msg him.he juSt left me 2go on feeling wad i feel anyway.i duno wud i want anymore.m jUS so scared.haizz. m so weird..reading his entry kinda made me smile,mayb cos he dun always hav d time 2 add an entry,i juS kinda feel happy or somewhat surprise,dats d thg isnt it,no time.Hmmm wud shld i do now?gotta make myself occupied.cant go on waiting arnd for these guys cant i.. ha ha.. yeh yeh wadever.Haizzz i'm sorry babes, but it hurts. i cant hide wad i feel cant i? but i shld hav known better not to shaRE it with you/show you. wud m i xpecting anyway. you wun wana know hear abt it, u hav ur own shet, i understand. i'm sorry. i wun bother him nemore. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. :winn: sad Sunday, November 30, 2003 @ 10:18 a.m. yesterday was a very sad day, one of my gd fren passed away.he was involve in a motorbike accident.he was on the ECP expressway.he wanted to exit katong and he overshot the road hitting de kerb.he was thrown of de bike.i was sad bt i juz kept calm.he was a gd fren.we spent most of our ite times together.we even werk in de same place.when it comes to exams we would take off and study in a group.our usually study place gt standard simei right at de end of it.well every living thing will surely die one day. after de funeral i went to a nearby cofee shop hang with my old GANG,its a one in awhile thing.since after we graduate,we nvr hang together anymore bcause of werk and NS.it was a memoriable day,it brings such gd old times.i miss does times carefree bt we had to go.after de fun we had to stop somewhere so i send my frens home those whos stayin nearby me.i was so damn tired bt its ok once in awhile.then i hurried back bathe,eat bcause i wanted to call my FAVOURITE girl.we talk awhile then i notice she was upset abt sumtin,i ask her she said it was noting so i said ok.bt it was still de same so i ask her was it my fault ur upset bcauase i nvr sms u keep constant ctc.i remembered she told me she worried if she dunno where am i bt i told dat i call her ltr and im attendin all de ceremonial and de burial.it takes quite sumtime and i off my hp out of respect. After that she said dat sumthing was missing so she cannot talk with me.Wah,then i ask her do u need sumting to talk to me bt i wasn't sad when she said this i understand she is also upset.bt then she go and said thet juz bcause she sms me i HAD to sms back or i wanted to call back.this pharse really struck me dumb seh.i couldn't blieve it.it saddens me seh after all this while she still kept this feelin.she told me dat in de past it happened to her.no need to tell me which x i can guess already.she likes to compare me with her X.when im gd im diffren from de rest when im bad im de same? even de words i said is de same.wats dis!? if she wants me to b like them i can b cold throw my tantrum without any reason.get angry without knowing de cause.i want her to 4get de past move on with me.she with a whole new person me.how can she say dat to me.i've been so sincere & honest with her evr since we've been together.nvr did once dat i tot of her the way she tot of me........Am i too sweet & nice pple juz wanna step all over me?do i need to change my behaviour my attitude my personality if theres a way pls show me.i dont want my attitude to obstruct us frm goin further i wanna solve it and move on.i want to leave the problem so faraway....... nw she nvr sms me first thing i did in de morning today,4 everyday like normal check my Hp for her sms bt still nothing.its ok she told me she can fix herself so i better nt worsen the situation.Haizz......gtg too sad to type..... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: shet!! Saturday, November 29, 2003 @ 10:20 a.m. damn u azri! m so screwed up! "i got no mood to talk alredi" -Ahsurin..tsk tsk dat sounds so farking familiar.dat did it.did i do somethg wrong?If i did he just wana go off lyke dat?Hav i ever done dat to him?how abt my feelings?he juS gona leave me with diS feeling den?i cld have hung up earlier(again i lag huh..i tink dats d prob wit me,always so slow stay for wad!)crying wun do anything i noe.k fine i understand he juS wanted to call 2 make sure m not upset anyway.i jus want a little understanding but tink dats too much for him.i wun bother him nemore.i dun wana feel/go thru d same thg again.dis shit hurts. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: Friday, November 28, 2003 @ 04:40 p.m. To staRt it off I know you know me To cOme to tink of it, it was only last week. That i hAd a dreaM about us, oh. That"s y m heRe, i'm writing This song. To TeLL the Truth you know i'v been hurting all alonG, SomewaY let me know, you wanT me girl.. EverytIme you see mE whAt do you see? i feeL lyke i'm a poor man and you're the Queen. Oh baby, you're tHe only thing thAt I reaLLy need. Baby ThAt's why: You MaKE me waNna caLL you in tHe MiddLe of tHe night. You MaKE me waNna Hold you tiLL tHe morning light. You MaKE me waNna LovE, You MaKE me waNna FaLL. You MaKE me waNna go Surrender my SouL. I kNow tHis is a feeLing thAt I juSt cant fight. You're tHe firSt and lAst thiNg on my mind. You MaKE me waNna LoVe, you mAke me WaNna faLL. You Make Me waNA go Surrender my souL. WeLl I knOw thAt these feelIngs won'y end, They Get Stronger if i See you aGain. BabY i"m tiRed of being fiendS oh I waNNa KNow If you feel The Same And cOUld you TeLL me do You feel my Pain? Don'y LeaVE me in DOubt. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: R3sTLeSS Friday, November 28, 2003 @ 05:19 a.m. iv been sitting here since 4+am...dun noe wad m doing actually...juS looking in friendster/hotmails...cant get d downloaded songs in d WMP! tired..boRed.. mua babeh havent come back i guEss-no msg fr him yet..check mails den m geTTin ouT of here. m hungry... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: Yeyyyy!! Thursday, November 27, 2003 @ 02:40 p.m. finally d dsl is working!! can use d net while someone is is using d fone *wink² .. oh yeSh.. Winn received mua package/card to him. So "paiseh"..open when m over at d other line =p .. duno whether he reli liked the smell of the perfuMe anot pluS d color of the boxer (kinda scared he wun like it) but he said he did Bla²... *smilEs* dats gd enuf 4me.. hehe. He openEd the bday card first. I remembered spEnding alot of tyme on dat esp d on d envelope.. so i hoPE he like it.. kinda had dat tiny feeling dat he might tink itS "childish"?? but i tink i mAde a gd choice abt d card..itS cuTe wud.. hehe. and den...... he saw mua pic.lol. i forgot abt dat.. aiyoh so paiseh again.HE was quiet for a while so i tot oh shet! i tink he'l be shock pic so diff & ugly (as usual) esp mua hair... but he said i was pretty... sO paiseh.. =p m like yeh pretty as if ........ he dun hav 2 say dat cos m his bla³...anyway i reli tink dat pic's kinda ugly-really.. ok i wun exaggerate, wun say UGLY but... Eeeeee not nice!! .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: happy.. =) Wednesday, November 26, 2003 @ 11:20 p.m. eng cls 2day we get 2 watch d movie Handmaid's Tail. That's d novel we read..haha, itS very interesting..abit obscene with al d sex scene and a bit of nudity..very funny also. Wana watch dat again someday.lol.ahh.. iv got 3 thgs to be happY abt. 1st, dat freaking EssAy is OVER!! but i dun tink iL get an A 4dat papEr-really..when i read thru earlier it didnt gib me dat satifying feeling dat its wel written..haizz, i stil hope 2 get an A - a smelly-smelly-juSt-made-it-to-A-grade also can la.. so long as it's an A grade, but if not-i tink a B is gd enough..juS pls dun gib me a C gradE! 2nd thg 2b haPPy abt is dat 2day (wed) til sun i hAv no sch -LONG BREAK- ..thAnksgiving holidAy.. buT, cant b too happy & relaX abt it,hav 2use d "free" days to study/revise mua Bio & hopefully mua math notes too..not 4gettin d novel..hav 2 read dat 1 alSo. 3RD thg 2b haPPy abt is.... i got 2 speak 2my sayang today,even jus for a while. He din get 2 respond 2mua sms 2him yesterday/2day.. i got a little worried, esp after he told me abt d accident he saw d other nyte/early morning,& upset alsO. Irritating ah dat guy, an sms 2let me noe dat he's home-going 2 slp soon also dun hav.. itS not as if m asking him 2 call me or MUST talk 2 me everyday wud. I noe & understand he is tired...itS ok with me if he wana rest but yeh i juSt gt worried. m i asking 4tOo much?? dun wan him 2feel irritated dat m always asking or wanting 2noe how he is..he might get upset,mayb he might tink dat i treat him like a smAll kid..no no. i noe he can verY wel takecAre of his own arse yeh but i juSt wana hav dat clear tinking dat he is ok-wel rested-home safely. Wel anyway... i hopE he is having fun, if he's hAppy-m haPPy..fOr him =p itS late.. m tiREd.. wana liE down now.. hoPEFully Winn replies mua sms.. miSS him so much.. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. :winn:sorie Thursday, November 27, 2003 @ 04:54 a.m. its been awhile since i came in here,today im very bz drive here & there visit relatives i hope to rest soon.i know my girl a bit sad bcause nvr paid much attention to her lately bt dat doesn't mean i forgot abt her or dont think abt her.i hope she understands.we hav nt spoken for awhile nw i miss her so much.she sms me nw and then its juz bad i didn't sms her first.she did everything first so i felt bad.......she nt schlin tmlo so i hope we can talk or chat.its again me whu hav no time.im juz afraid dat she gonna think dat i dont show 100% to her.this is one of de test we're goin thru.......dont b mad or upset dear.i sayang u k.muacch!!! i always miss u......... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: okAy.. almost done.. going hm soon.. Monday, December 1, 2003 @ 06:23 p.m. okAy..in 20mins tyme m outta here.. itS so cold & dark outside alredi, d reason y m here again is dat d freakin com hang..hopefully it stArts back proper. kzkz.. m nothungry but d muffin in mua bad is simply calling out 2 me man.. haha.. bought 2 juS now.. dats about S5dollars! can eat Mcdo alredi.. or something filling. weL anyway.. HAHA..looking gd, juS need 2 arrange d essay's paragraphs & do d final touches in sch tmr.. 3hrs 2 do dat. Hmm...... if only some1 could help me a bit.. tell me how 2 improve on it????????????? cant possibly ask mua adek right haha.. she wun noe wad m talking about, granDparents?? uh-uh.. no way.. =p oh weL.... iD better b going.. i Stil hav dat novel 2 read.. i guESs i wun b sleepin early or at all 2nYte. buai buai.... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene: right on track.. Tuesday, November 25, 2003 @ 05:45 p.m. okay, m done with almost half of the ideas of my essay.. iL just add d rest of the ideas now & figure out how to make it look "smooth" at home ltr?? i duno.. haiz, i stil hav 2 read dat novel.. alamak.. can i finish dat book by 2nyte?...m so miSSing Winn seh(seh),yeh i noe i noe,shldnt b tinking of him..but how manY tymes hav i been checkin mua hp?? tsk tsk..your only making urself upset only..wad r u expecting? aper je! haizz.. back 2 wOrk .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: in sch again... Tuesday, November 25, 2003 @ 04:02 p.m. hmm... been sittin here for d past 1/2 hr or so? havent started my essay.. gona stay here til latest 7PM... i guess Winn shld be gettin up soon?? tsk tsk..forget abt him alredi! gOsh! ok ok mua bad. so yeh, hmm... came here about 12noon, ate lunch at home, copied some bio notes & attended d bio seminar (itS was ok..din do much ocs my teacher's got migraine), anyway.. itS 4pm now so id better start doing something.. when i get bored iL be back.. w.i.s.h..m.e..l.u.c.k. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: haizzz..isit jus me or do i Get stRess easily? Monday, November 24, 2003 @ 11:51 p.m. yeh i noe itS late.. i juS finished mua math hmwk so iL b free tmr. tmr iv gotta go 2 sch, wil b der d whole day-nyte i guess. hav 2 do mua essay & copy bio noTes. Essay duE Wed.. m not suRE wad tyme m going der.. gona b tiREd.. latest iL b der after lunch-eat at hm.. save $$$ wakaka, but stil cant resist d muffins in sch.. have i told ya how yummy dey taste.. hmmmm..sedap..but a bit Xpensive.. US $1.25 dats almost S$2.00+ ..anyway suddenly d yahoo browser is working but with d AOL connected?? How to fix d damn thing & make it work proper huh? gettin strESSed.. gotta make plAns-priorities:: 1)dun bother Winn so much,he's BZ as it is.DUn msg him..or even reply?? 2)dun hold/check d hp so much.. better put it away,no1's gona sms u all d tyme! 3)ENG:(a)ESSAY due WEd..bettr do it, TUES & WED + (b)Handmaid's Tail (novel reading..have to write an essay on dat as well man..sheeezz), (c)POrtfolio: do on wed 4)BIO/Anatomy: Unit 8, 9 & 10!! 4 thurs, fri & sat ok babe?! next week sch take mini course tests. 5)Mathematics: WED, jus do d hmwk 4dat day..read mAth notES on SUn & free days(next week) 6)Computer Science: Haizz... next week do d next projects in sch?? mon/tues afternn/evenings? ok.. so dats it b4 FINALS, aft all dis junk iTS all reading/revising alredi.....kk.....hopEfully i dUn totally ignore him though, d feeings might change. sad but true.. u noe wad i mean la Cyrene =( ..& i kip mua fingers croSS mua migraine dun hit me at d WRONG tyme (sheezz another prob) eh..haha ZAINI MSN me hehehe..kental, cheeky always, call me sayang. juSt greeted him S'mat Hari Raye, i said soRRy no HAri Raya Card hir & he said: daDDy_z says:juz a kiss from you will be ok wakaka.. funny seh..oopS, mua sayang might get jealous..nah he said he wun plUs he'd probably wun b read dis..Anyway, yeh..itS jus a five min chat je..his relatives all arrive his place alredi. haha, m fuLL of crap anyway, talking to myself d whole day. Mood swings 2day.. mens. juSt not in d mood.. lucky got some pipol brighten mua day.. rememeber & miSS me =) suprising.. but yeh, iTS al shet anyway. smaLL thgs. Not feeling well. running noSe, pluS mua back HuRts. Yawnzzz............... i shld go, b4 i get mua headaches .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: LATE alredi.. Monday, November 24, 2003 @ 07:48 p.m. look at d tyme.. its so late alredi & m stil in sch.. anyway, didnt do much.. Il jus have to come here early tmr 2 try 2 do my essay la.. haiz... wednesday its due. TMR, i promiSE (i seldom make promises okay!).. FULL force.. i gOtta get out of here now.. b4 8pm.. i nvr call back, i guess mua folks kinda worried mayb?? wadever la.. haiz.. not in d mood........ enjoyed mua Mcdo earlier though.. hehe.. MUachhh! miSSing Winn.. =( .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: HaPPy BirD-Day Sayang!!! =p Monday, November 24, 2003 @ 10:54 a.m. HappY Birthday to Yoo.. Happy Birthday to Yoo.. HappY birthday, HappY birthdayyyyyy.. hAppy Birthday to Yoooo.. Muachhh!! Wow.. mua babeh is 22 years old alredi huh? So? Big fart? hehe.. kiDDing. Muachh! so Xciting, but i feel so soRRy, cant b there. But i hope he dun b too sad.. all is not bad wad.. but yeh, his pResent's gona b LaTeeeee hehe.. SOrry 4 dat too. Its SHould b coming dis thurs/friday for him... weL i hope he'l like it la.. hehe, if he dun, den iTS okay-iL get him something else some othEr tyme, itS jus material stuff anyway. =p Now m in sch, juS finiShed mua math class-m off 2 do mua Essay (again).... iV got 3hrs to do it.. 1 hr research... d rest type la.. tmr (whOle of tuesday), FULL force essay.. to day jUS make changes & do my work cited page. i gotta do dis man.. last essay-alot of marks.. hopefully i survive with a B.. ohhh PLSsssss.... (cross my fingers) ANyway, SelAmat Hari RayA to ALL mua muSlim frens.. too bad cant go "visiting" with them seh (seh).. duit rAya? DUit Duit.... hUehuehue.. Hav fun ..............................sayang Winn.............................. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: he slpt on me!! Sunday, November 23, 2003 @ 01:58 a.m. tsk tsk.. a funny thing happen 2day-a musT remember date: Winn fell aslp while talking on d fone with me! Aiyoh.. he was talking one min den d next few sec--silence. SOOooo fast land?!? Anyway..he was tired, said he was out with his frens/fren's bday. he came back about 4am his tyme, so i guess he reli was tired. itS ok though.. yeh i boREd him to slp =( haha.. nah nah, reli itS ok. Anyhow..i stil cAnt get d DSL working man..freaking thg.i din do anything productive 2day seh(seh). Only did mua math hmwk..mua folks not arnd,will b back tmr afternn. About Winn & i... we'r alright now,we kinda settled & talk about everything..i tink we'v got closer?? i duno.. haha, mayb in a sexual way too.. wakkakakkakakka.. nah, he's jus kidding arnd i guess, itS all just joke & talking kok.. but if itS all real den..yeh, i gueSS ouR conversation IS really & CAN be about everything under d sun/moon/sky.. i reli like him.... he's so swEEt to me.... m happy =) m just crossing my fingers & hoping for d best in d days/weeks/mths to come...m sleepy... yaWnnnzzz.. i shld go now.. nyte .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::cyrene:: nothing impt Friday, November 21, 2003 @ 06:17 p.m. m happy its fri, tmr no sch. at home nw jus re-reading wad mua sayang wrote in our diary. he nvr made too many entry so i jus kip reading evrythg he typed again & again. having a headache now..tired i guess. i din get to do my essay proper early dis am, anyway i cant do it at home cos my freaking com just kept giving prob, its impossible to do research at hm using dis darn com. I nvr msg Winn d whole day today..i duno y.i guess i jus wana forget him for a while & tink of stuff, i have other things in mind to settle first like studying in cls, essay, EAT.....d whole day m jus rushing here rushing there..its jus mua priorities for d day. its funny how i say i wana forget Winn when actually everything iv been doing d whole day links me back to him..he's always in mua mind. itS jus me being stubborn & wana b ignorant about it. i dun wana start/discuss anythin with Winn over the sms anyway.. wadever it is, i did say dat when he's cleared of everythin in his mind-wad he wants/dowan,den come back to me. iL jus react to what his answer is.&. anyway, he din msg me d whole day also.. haiz, yeh m always prepared. as for my side, i dun have much to tink about. I noe Winn is not perfect-neither m i. if der is a prob, its best to solve it d earlier d better & i noe dat if he is willing to change he will & i noe it will take tyme. everything needs tyme, & i can wait but yesh i am not an angel or a statue, i have feelINGS, likes & dislikes. m not dumb, i have mua own thinking-iL noe when to do something. overall.. i have my own limits.. i wun wait til forever. if the person is willing to gib me his 100% its only fair dat i gib mua support & do my part. About wad Winn said--> i dont want to loose her really bt de closer i want to b with her de further i get -wad does he mean???? About dat word 'break up'..haiz, i always tink dat mayb Winn dun like d way i do things/say things..iv been & always been afraid dat if i go too deep with him he might leave me 1 day?i duno, i say dat word "break up" mayb cos m jus frustrated-plus i duno, i dun wana drag him if he tinks dat he alredi dun like me?? in a way? i duno...i hav mua own insecurity dat i may not b wad he wants? me saying it had got nothing to do with me wanting to end it with him. no, not now, not til iv seen d whole him & come to a conclusion dat he's not d person i wana go on with den only.. i wiL go. mayb to him now m being demanding? mayb azri is right la.......... i only want d best for me & Winn-mayb m being too precise? too careful? too gd? too mean? TOO everything? i noe m jus 19.. Winn's 22, i have no right to say m right about things, he's gone thru his own shit b4, same case for me. We grew up in a different environment,seen-been 2 many different places. I have mua own kind of thinking & personality. I cant judge him & expect him to be the type of guy m tinking of in mua head right? everybody can change & adjust to situations..is he willin?? GIVE AND TAKE dats wad it all boils down to & d level of wanting something? yeh, dats another factor to consider. i noe i reli wana get to know Winn b4 i gib mua final conclusion about him & d outcome of dat thought/want is dat-i have to b patient, wait & see if he is wad i wad, or if he is willing to change for me.. i noe i can do dat for dat some1-i jus have to know wad things i hav to change-if any? but den again, m not dat naive to change jus cos dis person wants me to do so.. thinking of him/reading all thses stuff/writing dis, m gettin a bad headache..i miss him.. =( guess he din wana msg me la... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: not sure wad m feeling... Friday, November 21, 2003 @ 09:18 a.m. came 2 sch, reached early. duno wad m thinking..wad xactly is in my mind anyway i jus surf d net... haiz, essay essay essay!! haiz... u gotta work girl! - no tyme 4 nonsense. If u noe der's a prob better solve it... isnt dat wad iv been trying 2 dat? or is der sumthg im doing wrong or missing? Ashurin...mua sayang...haiz, i duno wads happening. i always ask for his feelings/how he feels about evryything & tell him everything...i dun ever wan him 2 feel anything bad/sad/left out...but i juSt feel like most of the tyme he's afraid or he just wana keep his feelings from me. Mayb itS me la..always so kPO. wadever it is, i AM only human, i have feelings too. i AM no angel therefore i cant stay 'happy' & patient always. PATIENCE....do i lack it? Winn knows xactly wads happening but mayb he dun get what his words/action is reli doing 2 US? does he sees wad m trying to do? does he even care? i hAte dis feeling..i jUS feel like he's not giving me 100%. we'r suppose to be working together so wads with the hiding of feelings/assuptions? mild assumptions is ok, m not a petty person. i understand pipol do make mistakes, same mistake-several times so i try to b patient but sometimes i reli get frustrated dat even after i try to explain, Winn stil has his own thoughts about it..its sad, m sad. y get angry at me about the things i duno about? is it my fault i duno wad xcatly he is angry about(feeling/tinking?). i duno d prob(his feelings/thoughts because he dun tell me.. i always ask but.. i duno, i guess m repeating wad m saying.. i reli m gettin confuse. & yesh i am upset.. how can he gib me d xcuse that he blurt things out just like dat when he can think wad xactly he wants & dun wana tell me? About me saying dat IF, IF azri & i were in gd terms i should stil b with him-should be..is not a wrong statement is it? Its just normal dat if everything is fine between me & azri, obviously i'd stil b with him BUT after dat WHOLE incident c'mon man sheeshh.. i nvr say anything about going back to him.. even IF i AM not with Winn now, i AM not dat dumb to b blinded by "love" & for everyb0dy's information-i care for the guy(azri) yesh, i feel for d guy, m very close to him but-i DUN love him DAT way..not tiL i loose al ,ua logical tinking & reasoning. i dun lie to myself..i dun wana lie to Winn.. I really like Ahsurin, i guess he's feeling kinda insecure, he tinks dat if AZRI didn't act de way he did,azri's name would b d 1st name id called to instead of his.(BUT dats only applicable IF Azri is STILL my BF seh...) IF Azri didnt act d way he did/we were together stil/everything is fine--i wouldnt have met/gone with Ashurin. Azri is totally out of the way.&. i'm quite glad cos if not, i wouldnt have met/gone futher with Winn.. I wana make something very clear to myself & whoever is willing to listen dat EVEN if Azri didnt act like a jerk after we broke up & IF ever Azri wants me back now or later.. my ans would b a NO. When iv let go.. iv let go.. Winn mis-interpreted my saying. Y in the world would i wana say that Azri wil b d first name i called out to? i know this saying but No ONE i can remembe, except Winn has ever touched me by saying dat he wants to be the first person i call out to for anthing.. i dun even know if i should stil b upset or jus b sad now. I jusT really hope Winn take the tym to straighten out wad he he really wants & feels. and wad he wana say to me, wad exactly he wants me to know. I cant understand if he keeps jumping into conclusions. i m not mind-reader but i am trying... i noe i can read ppl quite ok but stiL.. i want to understand from him. anyway i gotta go math cls starting.. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. :winn: confused Friday, November 21, 2003 @ 11:22 p.m. another lame day in camp as usual duty.bad news had to go to Thailand overseas training.i dont mind goin bt de pple im goin wif is de problem.My RSM told me nt to worry he'll b with us.Well if i go i will nt able to call my SWEETHEART.Haizz....very sad bt im goin in FEB '04 i still hav alot of time to call her. My dear sms me jz nw she said her X azri called her,i was actually shocked bt i remain calm nt wanting to assume i jz read wat she sms me....i nvr tot of anything actually jz a bit uncertain after all dis time he called her and wat does he want...a lot of nonsense goin in my head.I wasn't angry bt scared if he would want to go back with her.A bit of sadness goin on also she told me dat she wasn't a bit happy when he called bt i duno she doesn't seem angry either when she talk to me abt him.I juz listen on to her then she said sumting like if AZRI didn't act de way he did she still b with him and she would called out his name instead of mine i was so upset when she said dat my mind when blank.i didn't want it to look obvious so i change topic here and there.She nvr notice it then she gt upset with me.i didn't mean to do dat to her bt i had to....After dat was all in my mind i was blank all de way.I was thinkin whether i was gd enuff 4 her i understand she & AZri is close & among all he's de closest.I also know dat we are jz attached and our bond is nt dat strong.She once told me im better than most of them.if im better than most of them huw could she still say dat.It makes me feel dat if i nvr met her she and azri wasn't attached she go back to him.Then i felt like who am i supposed to be.....then she's pissed off by my assumption then i think again dat its always dis.i dunno whether she sick of it.i try to change bt i need time....bt if i can't would she want to stay on....i want her to b happy always bcause she has already enuff problem to think about.she also mention de word BREAK UP again i was surprised she said dat i dunno whether its only a joke or she's threatening me.Why does she need to say dat word.i must say im afraid if dat happens nt ready to face it dunno wat will happen to me.huw to react to it.i dont want to loose her really bt de closer i want to b with her de further i get.She's de best GF i ever had dats de truth.My X's are no where near her.She's so high up there.She's de only GF i had dat can exactly point out my mistake(VERY WEIRD)she juz knows wat im thinkin.She also understands me well.She's so patient wif me.if i was with another girl she would already left me. I THANK HER 4 UNDERSTANDING.Nw shes mad at me,asked me to straighten my thoughts.she told me nt to blurt out stuff well i guess shes rite.She ask me alot of times huw i feel bt i couldn't tell her dont know y or mayb im afraid dat im being too paranoid over all dis.Nw im juz wandering in my mind i dont feel too gd actually wad i hav done to her is unxcusesable.duno if she'll 4give me.if things will change between us.im so confuse nw.i dont want us to end like dis abt my assumption and all i say/did.Theres a sayin dat IF U LOVE SOMEONE THERES NO BOUNDARY,WHEN U WANNA TRUST DAT SOMEONE IT TAKES TIME,IF U HAV DAT SOMEONE UR GLAD AND WHEN U ALREADY HOLD DAT SOMEONE UR AFRAID OF GETTIN HURT.Nw im nt sure where we're headin i wanted to talk to her bt she's schlin......i hope to werk things out.i feel so childish huw i reacted to de situation.i hope she'll forgive me and 4get abt dis incident.i gtg nw sort things out....think hard abt it.........sorie dear... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: Azri called Thursday, November 20, 2003 @ 02:48 p.m. abt 9:45AM AZRI(of all pipoL) called me.. VERY shocking.. D'oh?? haha, anyway its reli weird how after what iv heard he's said about me to any1 whu'd listen to his "pain" he stil got d cheeks 2call me? okok, so he called at first he said "helo Ashurin here" den i though..HUH? dis is not Ashurin so i asked again (at d back of mua head i kinda regonise its Azri but it cant be) but he went on a few more times saying he is Ashurin & yeh his voice gave him off, i knew its him so i said "what do you want? u call me for wad?" he said, no la just called to ask how you are, y cannot call you isit?? & den bla³...he kinda apologised & said stuff like he was reli angry at dat tyme so he jus blurred stuff out. He said stuff like he knew about Ahsurin, where he stays, about his bike, being in the army & all dat jazz..(where he got his info from??) & knowing Ahsurin's add? Hmmm.... anyway, Azri said he honestly felt jealous upon hearing about me & ahsurin. he said he missed me. It may sound stoopid 2 others dat Iv gone with another S'porean guy (knowing that mua prob with Azri was the distance) but Ahsurin is totally different man. OUr situation too..or at least WE try to make it work & it is.. so far so gd (from wad i see on my side) & I reli like Ahsurin... =) m very happy with him. I even told Azri dat Ahsurin is very sweet to me, mature, reliable & talented.. on the other line, Azri kinda sounded 'sad' mayb? i duno but... its d fact dat IF Azri jUs gave that extra push/time/chance... d person i'd be with now should b him... DAT could be him (now with me)... but yeh, itS d pass now. Iv let Azri know mua true feelings dat i reli am not jealous or anything when he had his new GF, Stephanie..i duno y but m jus not jealous. but I jus got reli sad & angry dat he told pipol/her about me that aint true.. & he was suppose to b mua close fren.. oops gtg back to cls.. break tyme over. jus finish COM SCI test.. tata .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: feeling bored Wednesday, November 19, 2003 @ 11:40 a.m. kinda 'happy' cos m doNe with mua math hmwk. dats great, ltr jus have to read my COmputer book-got test tmr. anyway jus did some research on the poor children of guatemala, hehe.. i have to thank muA sayang for the idea. I wana write about these pitiful pipol/children but i have no idea where to focus & who/where. hmm.. m so glad he's there for me.. =) he shld be getting up soon now, to pray/eat... hopefully he dun hav to work too hard 2day. its so hot in day tyme, he might not be able to take it cos he's fasting. Yey!! lAtor ima go 'shoPPing' w/Kat... wad shld i BUY????? lol.. kzkz, i gotta go Bio cls is starting in 12mins. adios. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: early in da morninG.. Wednesday, November 19, 2003 @ 09:20 a.m. jus finished mua math hmwk (i left 2 qns).. Winn nvr reply mua sms, so i guess he's aslp, i wun call him den. Hmmm...jus now i got 2 call him (talked 4 awhile).. it started a little awkward for me, like its was so quiet or shld i say his side was reli noisy & kinda irritating. it was dat kind of feeling again.. but after awhile, it got better.. =) hmm.. Mua sayang's birthday coming.. wah, going to be an older/'wiser' man.. hehe. so Xciting. i duno if he's gona like wad i got but its ok i guess cos i dun reli know wad he wants (close 1 eye?) lol... i hope he like d erm... hehe -latoR-.. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: feeling a bit weird Tuesday, November 18, 2003 @ 05:08 p.m. came 2sch to go for Bio seminar(cls)..now at the computer lab jus lookin for pictures & stuff. wasnt feeling too well early dis morning, i thought i'd jus lie down d whole day but decided to go to sch anyway. Hmmm, i guess me & Winn are 'ok' now, but i kinda feel weird now,like..haiz, i duno. i jus feel like there's a whole somewhere & dat maybe i dun feel quiet alright yet?? I dun cry for small things..a tear or 2 is nothing to me, but dat incident reli made me sad..honestly my feelings now is like- its-ok-dun-care-la-its-fine-forget it-wadever-yeh-hmmm *shrugs* attitude. maybe i havent reli gotten over it. itS ok, i cant expect him to try to make me 'happy' its jus me feeling that what happened reli made me scared and sad-really..maybe im being silly-it is jus a smaLL thing but, small things will always lead to a bigger thing. but one thing i'm sure of is that, i stiLL feel 4him alot..i reli like him & i dun wana loose him b4 I even got the chance to really know him. but after dat incident, i'm afraid that he might jus be another 'guy' like b4 & if that's a fact, i cant handle dat truth. dats wud's scaring me. retreating is a way to save myself now but..will he come pull me back d next tyme?(he will i guess if he really wants me) or maybe he's gona jus gib me dat ok-wadever-'respect' your decision-dun wana force attitude. If only i could read his mind, dat will help me alot in whether its tyme for me to go (d earlier d better,b4 its too late) or stay and jus let thgs pass. I'm so screwed up!!!! i'm not like dis b4.... if only i could turn back tyme..i'd change things. I'm sorry Winn if i seem like m overprotecting myself from U..I jus need to. I want to trust u but I'm afraid to go too deep with you cos i'm afraid dat uL hurt me, you wun-not intentionally-not now but if u do, dats gona shatter me even more. I hope things will reli go back to how it use to be. I hopE something in you-or something in me will make me see that you aRe for real..(dat is if you really are). Babes, if you are reading dis i wana say thAnks for being such a sweet guy.. overall, i'm still happy being with you & i masih sayangkan you... muachhh! =) .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. :Winn: REGRET Tuesday, November 18, 2003 @ 08:29 p.m. last nite i had an argument with my sweetheart CYRENE.i didn't mean to hurt her...really,i was at camp and i so much wanted so much to talk to her.i miss her so much only GOD knows how much.we were talking about Hasri & his GF having an argument.then suddenly,i let out some words that is nt meant to b said.it was so stupid of me,i really didn't mean it.i didn't realise it was hurting my girl so much.i was so angry with myself.nw hasri & his GF are on gd terms & me and my girl are nt.Haizz.......the irony of it all.i really care 4 her,i cherish her so much....she's so much diffren from my past GF.i dont know wat is it actually she's special,i think highly of her,she so juz understnds me.i wish i hadn't said it.Nw im miserable i cant stop thinkin of her.... then ltr she called me and i still made a fool out of myself.wat am i doin?there she is wanna make things right for us and i make it all like shit....wat de hell am i thinkin? After i wanted to make it right again she has already given up.when i knew she was goin i almost shed a tear.... oops she sms me gt to call her wish me luck.....bye. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: *loSt* =~( Monday, November 17, 2003 @ 11:20 a.m. wasnt feeling well the whole day yesterday, got some sleep & was looking fowrd to talk to Winn. i felt better. He finally text me & i took d tyme to call him (he's at camp)..miSSed him, needed him. We talked & he told me about d sad news dat he'l be going over to thailand for some army operation in d jungle..for a very long tyme. Things were going ok till he told me about Hasri & his gf. Winn told me that they quarrelled today & dat Hasri's gf was quite mad, kinda blew d issue up..& dat Hasri was tinking of breaking up with her cos he say that she dont trust him.. i was jus saying my 2cents worth when suddenly Winn said sumthg like "i noe you dont trust me also.." & some other stuff after that..I got upset (so i answered in a sarcastic way, 'break ah')cos, I remembered talking about this issue with him & i even got frustrated cos i tried to let my feelings out to him sometime ago to let him know that I do trusT him..i want to trust him. he knoWs he's assuming or wad was that term he used.. "accidentally say it out"??? haiz.. i din wana get upset about it so I jus thought iL keep calm for awhile. M not feeling too well plus hearing him sounding sick over the other line just make me wana 'forget' about it..i dun wana quarrel with him,not now..not ever (i reli wanted to be there with him..he sound reli sick..is he having a fever too???) but things got a bit out of hand......... cant even remember much now, i was jus upset that he says all this knowing that he's assuming them. M not gona argue..haiz, jus not in the mood for fights.. instead of me getting upset, it turns to be him getting upset. haiz..its always like that la..is there something wrong with me? while on the way to the bus stop/school i kept thinking of Winn. I felt bad about everything. i din wana b petty..but i gueSS he saw me as being foolish maybe?? mayb.. i duno. I dont wan him to get upset with me...I dun wana 'lose' him for even a sec.. if he's going to be upset with me then he might not msg me..or talk to me..we wun b in much contact or b not in contact at al...its too much for me..so i decided iL call him to say sorry & jus make sure that everything is cleared/fine. then he had to say something hurtful. I know he duno but it really hurt my feelings.. i duno why-isit jus my 'sickness'/mood that made my tinking & feelings weak but i felt reli hurt..cried. All i wanted to do-all the time is to make sure that everything is settled..dats d main reason i called him, but he had to mention something like 'oh you see you'r always like that bla³, see²..the issue finish then only you wana say something about it' or wadever word/sentence ah he use. he alwaYs say this but i dun tink he get that all m doing is making sure..not going back to it to quarrel about it-bring it up so i can add my SHIT into the issue-to win or wadever.. m sorry if i bother him then..if he feels like m always pulling him back to d 'past' things (he did say he dun like to dig up old stuff)then ok its my fault.. if he sees it as my fault then fine with me..dats wad he tinks then.. i'm sorry i cared. that really hurted..hmmm.... my fingers are tingling now.. havent done my essay. guess you should jus better forget about everything now cyrene.... y bother when d problem is always YOU..yeh you bitch! dun complain- its either you have some1 or you dont period..no is perfect so fix yourself!.. (yeh m reli sad/upset now....i dunno la....) .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: San Francisco Sunday, November 16, 2003 @ 06:21 p.m. itS dark alredi,at aunts house(aunts' bday)..[B.O.R.I.N.G]..how? havent done my essay hav to past it tmr!! Arggghhh.. M trippin, having a bad week (my face).. =( got red DOT/pimple again, like inflamation? SOOooo itchy man. wana msg Winn but, i duno if he's resting/sleeping anot? duno if he's reli ok that m always taking his sleeping tyme? he's working m not..weL,m only studying. PLus hiS telfone biLL!! itS gona cos him a Bomb..now m woRRying(again).. wiL he mind? i guEss itS gona go up 2 about $70-100 at least. iTs ok also, ermm..if he wants me 2help him pay i can try. anyway i hope he wont mind??? M not missing you Winn.. hehe,feel like ur always around. m gona real BZ dis week, hope we'l stil get to talk to each other. iL call u whenever i can ok? Muachh!.. ur juS so sweet, i hope things go well,stay well or better.. jus heard the Avril Lavign's song "i'm with you" .. shet! spoil my mood.. no, juS a little sad/emotion now... haizzzz...feeling heaty now,or isit fever? heaDache since early 2day..isit migraine? no no.. dun maKe me feel strEss pls.. gotta do the essay, if can so moRe research by 2nyte, but tmr's draft tml type in sch.. PLS call me ltr k babes?? .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: --->LaME Saturday, November 15, 2003 @ 07:54 p.m. m so bad man..itS gona b 9pm & i hav not done a simgle SCH work! y m i so lazy but when it comes to Winn,m so semangat.haiz i guess m 'ignorin' mua work cos i duno how to do it. Is mua sayang awake? i guess he's stil asleep.been playin arnd wit dis pitas thgy-experiment the colours..tsk tsk so LAyzeeee..i want Winn..need Winn..sedih.. =( guess i better go stArt doing sumthg now.. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: Missing Winn already.. Saturday, November 15, 2003 @ 11:16 a.m. i noe we jUs hung up(the fone) but m tinking of u now. Muachh! hehe disturb ur Beauty sleep again. weL,itS only for now cos mua folks aint around. The next few weeks m gOna b real BZ alredi (exams). iL b missing you so much tau. haizz..but i gotta work (study),last stretch already. my Essay..haiz,mua problem now. What m i going to write & how?? ThingS to do: 1)make/get ready Lunch..hehe 2)do math hmwks 3)read mua computer sci book!! 4)CLEAN UP 5)start on the outline of essay (i hope i stiL hav the 'semangatness' LoL). 6)somewhere in those 5 tasks iL tek a nap... Im craving for KRISPY CREAME (donutS!!). Should i go out & buy latOr? how tyme flies..itS 11:26AM already! hopefuLLy by about 11pm iL b done with everythg cos Winn's calling.. *smiLes* taLK 2you lator ok babes? Lator u coming over right? Dun forget to bring IT..hehe. Hmm nvrmind we can go buy it lator-together, choose which one we nak cuba dulu.&.dun 4get the ropes/chains...huehuehue kinky! bla² aight. MUachh! SEE @@..you lator,alligator. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Winn:: My 1st entry. Saturday, November 15, 2003 @ 12:42 p.m. Ok dis is my 1st entry to de diary very slow of me.I think my sayang a bit upset lah.she sounds cute when she's angry or upset,im jz bad lah everytime i disturb her.actually,if i dont do dat our relationship nt gonna b spicy.lol.i miss her so much.everyday and everytime im goin 'GAGA' over her.......shes a nice and sweet girl.i nvr met someone like her her maturity is jz amazing.she can understand me so well.i like talkin to her and when we argue(small things only)we always can come to an agreement. and the best thing abt it is......to kiss and make up... i like to do dat wif her...i can still remember de first time i chat wif her.... i jz wanted more...shes like a magnet im attracted to her frm ther we proceed to higher grounds.She has a wonderful way of thinkin and i respect and admire her 4 dat.It's jus sad dat she is in de U.S im in S'pore.Some pple might think that dis is gonna b very hard.It might nt werk.bt i hav every confidence in dis relationship im ready to give my 100% 2 her bcause i noe i can count on her.i will try to give my all....so DEAR if u read this its all true it is all wat i feel... .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: FiNally Thursday, November 14, 2003 @ 11:52a.m. ahh..finally Kat's here..alamak sHe eat alredi? M hungry man. Ooh Yesh, 4got 2 say 'THANKS YOU' to Idah.. ThAnks ah babe.. lAtor ima Ask yoo 4moRE heLP.. DUn mind ah? hehe... thANks again. Mwah! .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: comPuTer Lab Friday, November 14, 2003 @ 11:30a.m. Its 11:30AM...hehe i didnt do mua math hmwk yesterday but i manage to get it done in class Jus now..Have been suRfing d friendster thgy since about 40mins ago?? Found some of mua old frens..frm Primary sch. Wah now all grown up & pretty alredi(haha)..M i jealous? wakaka..mayB yeh, cos dey'r all at the same place plus..haha, m nowhere like them =( (dey'r too lady-like)which is a gOOd thing to some guys.ryte.i tink? wadever it is..m not reAdy 2b all too gurly,m learning though (yes MUM i noe.. =p) Miss everythg back der in s'poRE. MiSS Winn. he's stiL asleep..Zzz wonder how he looks like while sleeping? Jus now juS bathe 2gether(..u wISh!),now i wana Slp w/u,as in really SLEEP la.aper je! =)~ *drooLs* (HUehuehue)..Wana caresse your haIr boy or jUS hug you while u slp. i nak PeLUK!! M sleepy too. Nope,correction,my body feels a 'liTTle' tired, jUS a little.&.ima lIttle cold(under muA sweater & shirt) Im gettin a headache. Crap. M HUngry!! is dat Katrina coming or not?? iF not i wana gO home & sLppppp & do some cleaning up at home. SHoUld i go home early? Looking 4ward 2 talking to mua Papi latOrz..hehe..Muachh! {*PICIT Winn} Mmmm.. So Manis ah dude! .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. Test Friday, November 14, 2003 @ 02:22 p.m. dee can or not? i did changes on ur format and html.so now can see right? (: -snazzie .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. ::Cyrene:: JUs finiShed Class.. Thursday, November 13, 2003 @ 02:48 p.m. Its 2:48Pm noW here in Pittsburg,CA. Mua Computer science class ended early(as usuaL)..been thinking of muA sayang Winn.Felt so bad;Mua poor Papi..he didnt get enuf sleep,I reckon. Talked on the fone the whole night with him(sg time). Sorry If i disturb your beauty sLeep tyme.=p. And babes, Sorry if I seemed like an "over" emotional girl(haha)..or mAybe noW u think m an overly emo type of gurl(haha)..but it just flowed.Instead or getting frustrated that you dont "get" what I really mean or 'cos you simply wana insist that 'that' is what I meant,I kinda felt bad/sad that I cant get you to 'believe' me. jus felt liKE i had to correct what you 'thought' my meAning was cos I felt that your interpretation was wrong. I wasnt intending to let you know about the "drizzle"(I dun want you think that i'm so 'weak' or like acting.&.you did say you dont like to 'see' girls 'cry' but I guess my feelings just gave way & I just eventually told you. Its jus a tear or two or about.. seven? =p ..anyway, its really no harm. BUt really ah yang, I never meant to say I dont trust you. I WANT TO trUst you. Whenever I say that its all too good to b true or when I want to make sure;what I wana show is that m just on mua guard.&.yesh,whatever things you say to me meant so much to me. Anything to do with you matters to me.&.i mean it..Maybe you wont understand why I 'often' do/say it but I jus hope you do..im jus 'afraid' I tink..thats it about THAT issue. Anyway m glad now that that's cleared. thaNks for being so understanding Winn. M jus so proud and impressed by how you tHink and handle things..really I am..you ARE different from the rest..really you are.You're jUS too swEEt..MUachhh!! Now,m excited-finally [WE ] have this virtual "diary" hueheuhue..I hope Winn will write his first entry soon. Special thanks to Masrufah for her help..Mwah!! I'm so grateful *GhurFren* Yep..not bad. Sorry if i tooK so muCH of your tyme but reli needed your help on dis 1 heuhuehue. Do you think he'll like it?? If he doesnt,its ok also cos i can redo/edit/format everything again(when m free enuf/Smart enuf to it on mua own.. SO leceh man!=p) Its gettin cold here in Pittsburg,going out soon with ma gf,Katrina.Going to look around.Hehe..what should I buy???Speaking of Katrina,haha she's ALWAYS on e-bay.Trying to get lucky(to win bids on cell fones), but so far no such luck. She is definitely serious about getting a new fone man.hehe. Well babes,I hope to talk to you soon. Takecare for now ok? Muachhhh! Missing you always. .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. Mas herer.. Thursday, November 13, 2003 @ 06:43 p.m. Dee n ashurin.. mas herre.. Im still testing wit this. If ya'll dont like the pic want another tell me.. For time being its this. Hafta wait for dee to be online to tell her abt the song and tagboard and blah2. Get back to me asap. Thankz dearz .:u duno wHat you mean to me:. |
Cyrene Dee Catherene MadeLozo Nacnac aka Cy*Dee*deeVenuS 19 yEaRs oLd College Student :PLays aLL sports:tHe Electone Organ:an athLete: CatheriNe Zeta-Jones Living in Pittsburg, CaLiforNia, USA :: Cywinn :: :: Los Medanos College :: :: Associate Degree in RN :: :: 15 / 9 / 1984/ Virgo :: :: Pittsburg, CA :: :: MSN @dee_latin_babe@hotmail.com :: + Add me on Friendster! :: |
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